United Church scales back inclusiveness by adding in height requirement

TORONTO – In a controversial move, the United Church has implemented a minimum height requirement for all members. “It’s just too easy to get into this Church these days,” Rev. Lawrence Pat…

Best book local man has ever read is only book he’s read since high school

KAMLOOPS, B.C. – Calling it “incredible”, “well-paced”, and “totally unique”, local man Tim Murphy has named Kathryn Stockett’s The Help as the best book he’s ever read. “It’s amazing becau…

BUT THIS IS MY INDOOR VOICE

By: Hon. John Baird OVER MY POLITICAL CAREER THERE HAVE BEEN MANY ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE WHO HAVE THOUGHT MY PRESENCE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS TO BE SOMEHOW BOTHERSOME. IT HAS BEEN SOMEWHAT OF…

Harper awards self Victoria Cross for gallant performance at WWI commemoration

OTTAWA – In recognition of his stalwart performance and commitment to national pride at today’s commemoration of the beginning of the First World War, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has reco…

Homeopaths without Borders discover 87 cures for Ebola virus

ATLANTA – The international homeopathy organization, Homeopaths without Borders, has discovered nearly 100 different cures for the Ebola Virus and will promptly use these remedies to fight …

World commemorates anniversary of war that ended, then caused, all wars

LONDON – To honour its centennial year, countries across the world commemorated the war that ended, then caused, all wars. Tributes were made to the fallen at World War I memorials, which w…

Habs fans get 8 more years to scapegoat P.K. Subban

MONTREAL — Habs fans across social media erupted into cheers after the Montreal Canadiens signed a 8 year, $72 million deal with their favorite scapegoat, P.K. Subban. “Bergevin could not d…

MacKay skips Canadian BAR conference to study for his LSAT

OTTAWA – Peter MacKay will miss the annual Canadian Bar Association conference after insisting that he really needs to study for his upcoming LSAT examination. “I had barely enough time to …

Wal-Mart advertises new price, worker benefit rollbacks

BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS – In an effort to engage consumers, Wal-Mart has begun advertising rollbacks in employee health benefits and wages in their weekly flyers. “At Walmart, our associates pride …

August is Cause-Related Marketing Awareness Month

TORONTO – Corporations everywhere are reminding Canadians that they should be aware of all of the good cause-related marketing they have been doing lately. “We think it’s very important tha…