Girlfriend scientists find 99% of food too spicy
GUELPH, ON – Research done by girlfriend scientists at the University of Guelph has uncovered that nearly all food is far too hot and/or spicy. The study involved the tasting of hundreds of…
Local woman super pumped to carry La Senza bag on subway
TORONTO — Local woman Chelsea Burney told reporters that she was “really looking forward” to carrying a 14 by 22-inch bag bearing the highly recognizable logo of women’s lingerie store La Senza o…
Nerdy children live out dreams at Bully Fantasy Camp
ONODOGA, ONTARIO – Camp Wannapoundya, billed as “North America’s first bully fantasy camp,” offers weak and harassed children the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to live out their fantasies of tor…
Air Canada asks for more bomb threats to excuse poor service
TORONTO – After a series of false bomb threats made against WestJet flights, Air Canada is requesting more threats be made against its own aircraft as an alibi for its poor service. “We are…
Stephen Harper slams current government for mishandling economy
OTTAWA – With the 2015 election just around the corner, Stephen Harper has launched a major political offensive, lambasting the current government for its mismanagement of the nation’s fina…
Harper visited by the ghosts of Canada Day past, present, and future
OTTAWA – Earlier today, Prime Minister Stephen Harper held a press conference to announce that he had been visited by the Canada Day spirits of past, present, and future as he tried to slee…
Greece fakes own death to get out of paying debt
GREECE – The IMF has been forced to swallow huge amounts of debt after it was discovered that all of Greece had mysteriously been killed by tragic falls, wine cask explosions, capsized boat…
Choose-your-own-adventure novelist dead at 30 or 87
Sudbury, ON or somewhere in the Amazon – Jack Farber, popular choose-your-own-adventure novelist, was found dead over the weekend, either alone in his bachelor apartment or in the Amazon wh…
Invasive homo sapiens species meet at forestry conference to discuss pine beetles
VANCOUVER – The world’s most destructive and invasive creature to its ecosystem, homo sapien sapiens, have convened a conference to discuss the spread of pine beetles. Certain members of th…
Shark attack kills three relevant news stories
VIRGINIA BEACH – A Great White Shark has taken the lives of three innocent, news-worthy stories yesterday in the US. The vicious assault on the three unsuspecting reports off the coast of V…
