Dad not too keen on sushi
OAKVILLE—Witnesses are reporting that despite being open to it if others feel strongly about it, Dad is not incredibly keen on going to the nearby sushi restaurant favored by his family. “It’s ju…
Non-magic school bus drives into volcano
Ol Doinyo Lengai, Tanzania – Disaster struck Monday morning as a tragically normal school bus and its occupants drove into an active volcano, causing the deaths of one teacher and nine ethn…
Struggling Illuminati closes 89 hidden sanctums around world
UNDER THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT, WASHINGTON, D.C. – After years of slumping influence over world affairs, the secretive power elite known as the Illuminati has closed dozens of mystery chambers, ro…
Panicked nation realizes it exhausted supply of Donald Trump jokes in 2012
WASHINGTON – Comedy experts have been placed on red alert following the surprise candidacy announcement of Donald Trump, upon whom America depleted its entire stockpile of Trump-related jok…
Everyone at Entourage screening pretending they walked into wrong theater
KINGSTON – A 7pm showing of the Entourage film at a multiplex theatre in Ontario was attended exclusively by filmgoers who claimed to be there by accident. “Wait, this is the Entourage movi…
Report: Canadian General biologically wired to ignore sexual assault
OTTAWA – Chief of Defence Staff General Tom Lawson has a reportedly innate desire to overlook and dismiss the sexual assault and harassment within the Canadian Armed Forces. “It’s not my fa…
Cosmopolitan magazine publishes last-known sex tip
NEW YORK CITY — Last week, the popular women’s magazine Cosmopolitan finally exhausted the world’s known collection of sex tips. Since the late 60s, Cosmo has published a list o…
Aboriginal tribe using new immigration law to deport all white people
OTTAWA – Following the passage of bill C-24, the Strengthening Canadian Citizenship Act, which gives the government powers to revoke citizenship and deport recent immigrants who have been c…
Bill Blair wins Liberal candidacy after kettling nomination meeting
TORONTO – Former Toronto police chief Bill Blair has won the Liberal Party nomination in the riding of Scarborough Southwest after kettling the nomination meeting. Saying that it was the mo…
