Report: Oil found in Northwest Territories will be just enough to doom humanity
NORTHWEST TERRITORIES – Geological scientists announced earlier this week that the 200 billion barrels of shale oil discovered in the Northwest Territories would be adequate to push humanit…
Comedian deftly handles heckler’s demand to see boobs by being male
TORONTO – Local stand-up comedian Jeff Brian told reporters today how he swiftly and professionally dealt with a rowdy audience member repeatedly shouting “show us your tits” by being a mal…
Michael Sam becomes latest openly anglophone Montrealer
MONTREAL – A year after becoming the first openly gay football player to be drafted by the NFL, defensive end Michael Sam has become just the latest in a long line of public anglophones inh…
Ireland votes to legalize open bar gay weddings
IRELAND – After a long fight over equality, Ireland has voted to legalize marriages between any same-sex couples that are willing to pay the tab. “Weddings are a beautiful thing,” said Iris…
Harper agrees to English TV debate provided he has no opponents, questions
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has agreed to participate in a televised English debate under the condition that he will be the only candidate present and no questions are asked. Har…
Hollywood hires younger actress to play Maggie Gyllenhaal
LOS ANGELES – After concerns about natural human aging surfaced earlier this week, studio executives are now seeking a younger actress to play Maggie Gyllenhaal. “We love Maggie, we really …
Ministry of Agriculture seeks interns for exciting new Harvest Sacrifice position
OTTAWA – The Ministry of Agriculture is reaching out to recent university and college graduates to fill unpaid internship positions related to the upcoming 2015 Harvest Sacrifice. “This is …
Babcock joins Leafs in bid to show league winning isn’t everything
TORONTO – Former Detroit Red Wings coach Mike Babcock has signed with the Toronto Maple Leafs to demonstrate there’s more to professional hockey than just winning and making the playoffs. “There …
Patients wanting to reduce wait times for organs encouraged to buy NHL franchises
TORONTO – Following Eugene Melynk’s successful liver surgery, doctors are encouraging patients waiting for lifesaving organ donations to consider purchasing an NHL team, preferably one that…
