Harper resigns from politics to spend more time with his egg sac
CALGARY – After several long discussions with his top aides, Stephen Harper has decided to resign from political life so he can focus on taking care of the egg sac filled with his unborn br…
Tattoo parlour employees lose track of which decorations are ironic
TORONTO – Employees at area tattoo parlour Jan Van Inyck have lost track of which decorations in the store have significant meaning and which are only ironic. “I’m guessing that…
CNE snacks feature innovative ingredients, contempt for humanity
Every Summer, visitors flock to the Canadian National Exhibition to sample unique culinary creations and test the limits of their masochism. This year, The Ex has outdone itself once again, offer…
Female Muslim Mounties can now wear hijab while being sexually harassed by co-workers
OTTAWA – The RCMP announced a crucial step forward in the organization’s quest for diversity, as Muslim women in uniform will now be allowed to wear their traditional headscarves as they re…
Starbucks opens first ever franchise inside Dave
PETERBOROUGH – After a long fought battle, multinational corporation Starbucks has finally completed construction on a franchise located inside Dave, a Peterborough man. “Dave was a tough m…
Ontario Tories apologize for youth seminar featuring waterboarding, Patrick Brown
MCMASTER UNIVERSITY — The Ontario Progressive Conservatives have released an apology to young party activists Tuesday, after organizers of a youth rally used violence, intimidation and the …
Leslie Jones signs multi-picture deal to remake every single movie online trolls grew up loving
HOLLYWOOD – Following a hack and leak of nude photos of comedic actress Leslie Jones, Hollywood studios have announced a 35-film deal to feature Jones in remakes of every single movie that …
Canadian athletes return from Rio to minimum wage jobs
TORONTO – After a strong performance in the Rio Olympics, Team Canada’s athletes have returned home to glory, accolades, and numerous retail positions. “Get out of my way! My shift at Tim H…
Local man so old
KELOWNA, BC – Locals are reporting that Kelowna man Gregory Campbell is so old, possibly the oldest man who has ever lived. “God, look at this old man,” said local Kevin Andreas of Campbell…
Ministry of Finance’s unpaid interns struggling to stimulate economy
OTTAWA – Unpaid interns at the Ministry of Finance say they are “at their wits’ end” on how to kickstart Canada’s stagnant economy. “We’ve tried everything,” said 26-year-old intern Derek M…
