Breaking: Dave starts 4th attempt at moustache

WINNIPEG – Multiple eyewitnesses have reported that Dave is trying to grow a moustache again. Although initial reports were mixed upon further inspection of photographic evidence, experts a…

Beaverton Sports Network: How Will the Leafs Ruin Auston Matthews?

  Meet the boys of the Beaverton Sports Network as they show you huge hits, sweet snipes, and a deep, uncompromising affection for one another. Today they debate the question we all have bee…

Ontario PCs confident they can somehow squander bribery charges against top Ontario Liberals

TORONTO – Ontario’s Progressive Conservative Party officials announced today that they are optimistic they can torpedo any chance of gaining popularity among Ontarians despite bribery charg…

Report: 90% of Canadians plan to spend U.S. election day rocking back and forth while moaning softly

OTTAWA – A recent survey has revealed that 9 out of every 10 Canadians will spend the entirety of November 5 experiencing a moderate to severe panic attack, manifesting itself in curling in…

Majority of Newfoundlanders delighted to have a relative on the Supreme Court

ST. JOHN’S – With the official swearing-in of Justice Malcolm Rowe to the Supreme Court of Canada Monday afternoon, polling shows that more than 70% of Newfoundlanders are happy with the Prime Mi…

Margaret Atwood launches own lifestyle magazine

  Taking a page out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP, Margaret Atwood has made a controversial career decision.…

Which spending scandal best describes your dad’s distrust of government?

From the Bay Street executive dad of Toronto to the walrus-hunting ataata of Tuktoyaktuk, one common thread unites all of Canada’s fathers: obsession over government spending. There’s no mistake …

Ontario Liberals give up, let each school choose their own sex-ed curriculum

  Aisha Alfa reports on the Kathleen Wynne government’s plan to let each school set their own sex ed curriculum, and the wildly different lesson plans that the school boards have come …

Sarnia City Council passes bylaw requiring mayor to wear dog muzzle

SARNIA, ON – In a move that escalates the sanctions against the Mayor of Sarnia, city council passed a by-requiring the Mayor Mike Bradley to wear a dog muzzle when he’s within 50 meters of…

Male injection recipients complain after becoming first humans to ever suffer side effects from birth control

Geneva, Switzerland – Following a clinical trial of an injectable male contraceptive, the male scientists and male test subjects involved have announced that they are the first human beings…