Report: Trump University most flawed college since Electoral College

NEW YORK – A recent review of American schools has revealed some damning details about Trump University and the Electoral College, ranking them second-to-last and last, respectively, among …

Toronto City Council approves subway extension that goes one stop then immediately runs off cliff

TORONTO – After months of debate, Toronto’s City Council has finally approved a new subway extension that will provide access to the eastern portion of the GTA before immediately plunging i…

Local woman smashes 39 wine glasses on faucet while washing dishes

MONTREAL — It was a scene of total carnage on Friday night after local woman Natasha Campbell shattered 39 wine glasses in a row on the faucet while attempting to wash them carefully. The s…

Waterproof iPhone 7 causes Uncle Ben’s Rice stock to fall

Mars Inc., the food and beverage conglomerate, saw its share price plummet 28% this morning after a preliminary fourth quarter earnings report revealed that sales of its subsidiary Uncle Ben’s Ri…

Poll: Canada remains starkly divided over milk bags versus milk jugs

OTTAWA – A new Angus-Reid poll released today has shown more Canadians are sharply divided on regional grounds over what type of milk containers they use. 96% of Canadians who live in Ontar…

CRTC decrees Tim Hortons ads meet Canadian content requirements

Toronto, ON – In an unprecedented move the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission has allowed advertisements for the ubiquitous coffee chain Tim Hortons to be counted t…

Local man hoping to complete burger loyalty card before next heart attack

Markham, ON — Local man Ricky Horks is only four stamps away from completing his Burger Dump loyalty card and is hoping to redeem it before his next heart attack. “With luck, I’ll slide in …

Guide To: Canada’s Parliament

  Canada’s Parliament. More than just a building where MPs gather to practice their ‘shame’ chants. In this Beaverton digital exclusive, we simplify things.…

95-year-old trapped in 19-year-old body becomes youngest MPP in Ontario

GRIMSBY, ON – A 95-year-old Progressive Conservative candidate trapped in 19-year-old’s body has become the youngest MPP in Ontario’s history. Cornelius Appleton, who inexplicably switched …

White-hooded Warbler named Canada’s official nationalist bird

OTTAWA – Just hours after the Gray Jay was named Canada’s national bird, the White-hooded Warbler has been named Canada’s nationalist bird. “Yes, the friendly and resilient Gray Jay best re…