President Obama pardons thanksgiving turkey instead of mentally handicapped death row inmate

  This is the 8th consecutive year President Obama made the controversial choice.…

Postmedia re-hires laid-off journalists to cater office Christmas party

TORONTO – On the heels of handing out more than $2.3 million in retention bonuses to its five top executives, Postmedia, Canada’s largest, least solvent newspaper chain, has announced that …

Gilmore Girls Quiz: Which one of Rory’s fuckboys are you?

Gilmore Girls is coming back! We can’t wait to see what some of television’s most cherished fuckboys are up to now. While you wait for the Netflix reunion, take this quiz to determine if your rep…

Royal Ontario Museum chooses lucky 10-year-old to be its next mummy

TORONTO – After months of suspense, the Royal Ontario Museum’s golden ticket has finally been found by lucky 10-year-old Aiden Samuels, soon to be the ROM’s next mummy. “Aiden’s a really lu…

Health Canada to crack down on vaping in order to stop nation from looking lame

OTTAWA – The federal government plans to regulate the sale and consumption of e-cigarettes in order to stop Canadians from looking like a bunch of assholes all the time. “There are simply t…

Queen’s students torn on which racist theme-party to go to tonight

KINGSTON, ON – A group of Queen’s University students are divided on which of the five cultural appropriation costume parties they would like to attend this evening. Negotiations to break t…

Genetic Lottery Commercial

  What would you do if you won the genetic lotto? The Beaverton airs tonight at 10:30pm (et) on The Comedy Network, immediately followed by our writers panel Facebook Livestream.…

Struggling Toronto Symphony Orchestra rebrands as buddy-cop comedy

TORONTO – Following yet another quarter of disappointing returns, the Toronto Symphony Orchestra has decided to rebrand itself into a buddy-cop comedy. “Let’s be frank, most people don’t kn…

Conservative Party Leadership Profile: Michael Chong

Name: Michael Chong Background: As Minister of Sport in the Harper Cabinet, he was the backup goaltender for Team Canada’s hockey team during the 2006 Turin Olympics and had a 3.25 GAA. Chong wak…

TFC’s Giovinco tragically unable to stop scoring goals in everyday life

TORONTO – Despite not having played a game in several days, Toronto FC forward Sebastian Giovinco’s body has not allowed him to stop scoring goals, netting thirty-two in total across venues…