Auditor General recycles previous report, changes title page

OTTAWA – Auditor General Michael Ferguson has re-released his yearly fall report, the major changes to last year being a shiny new insignia and this years date on the cover page. “Unlike the gove…

Merriam-Webster 2016 Word-of-the-Year: “Fuuuuuuuuuuck”

SPRINGFIELD, MA – The dictionary editors at Merriam-Webster have found that the most used word of 2016 was “fuuuuuuuuuuuuck”, followed closely by “Fuckfuckfuck”, “Jesus-Fucking-Christ”, and…

Exclamation! Numeral adjective pet verb!

Hey, Beaverton readers! We’re excited to announce we’re now posting cute pet listicles! Enjoy! 1) Hey! This adjective pet [dog/cat/other?] is verb my body part associated with emotion [brain/hear…

Facebook all set to remind you of the anniversary of that Minions meme your dead aunt posted

THE INTERNET – Despite you not asking for it even once, Facebook says it’s ready and waiting to remind you of that Minions meme your now-dead aunt posted three years ago. “Remember this?” s…

Conservative Party Leadership Profile: Maxime Bernier

Name: Maxime Bernier Background: Maxime Bernier, nicknamed “Mad Max” by the wasteful Department of Unnecessary Nicknames, is Canada’s most libertarian contender in the Conservative Party Leadersh…

Giving first speech at Queen’s Park, 19 year old MPP fails to hide boner

TORONTO – Newly elected MPP Sam Oosterhoff suffered his first political embarrassment this morning when was unable to hide his spontaneous erection while giving his first speech in the legi…

Canadian Porn

  The Beaverton investigates the most important CanCon of them all: The Canadian Pornography industry.…

Rug store going out of business for realsies this time

WINNIPEG – Despite a decade and half of claiming that they are going under local rug store Sultan’s Rugs and Fineries has for sure filed for bankruptcy and are closing their doors at the en…

Grey Cup cancelled due to lack of interest

TORONTO – Some CFL fans were disappointed to hear that the League has cancelled the championship game today due to apathy and lack of awareness. Low ticket sales, poor advertising, and Toro…

BREAKING: Minister of Fisheries inches way to top of mast as sharks circle his sinking vessel

INTERNATIONAL WATERS – With the lower decks taking on water and all his life rafts destroyed, Minister of Fisheries Dominic LeBlanc is climbing to the top of his ship’s mast in order to esc…