Canada to sign Great Ape Research Ban as soon as we finish the Chimpan-Zed
OTTAWA – Facing pressure from animal rights groups, science Minister Kirsty Duncan announced today that Canada will sign an international ban against scientific experimentation on great ape…
Update: Childhood dog still dead
YOUR HOMETOWN — An urgent press bulletin has confirmed that your beloved childhood pet, the one whose tragic passing you thought you would never recover from, is still “deceased, departed, …
Facebook promises to ban fake news now that real news is absurd enough
Palo Alto – In a conference call with reporters, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg pledged to crack down on the fake news sites that spread political lies during the 2016 U.S. election, now that…
Government announces plan to develop Canadian artists by inflicting tragedy upon them
Miguel Rivas reports on Canada Council for the Arts “innovative” new approach to funding Canadian artists.…
Surgeons successfully separate conjoined pancakes
HAMILTON – After a three hour procedure, surgeons at Hamilton General Hospital have successfully separated two conjoined pancakes. Natalie Gateman, who first delivered the stuck-at-the-seam…
Local woman acting all crazy about how much society gaslights women
TORONTO – After a workplace conversation about the ways in which society teaches women their feelings and experiences aren’t valid, co-workers have concluded local woman Emma Hall is totall…
Woman tears up at wedding photo capturing moment where her arms looked thin
CALGARY—Local woman Maura Lessing has reportedly experienced a special and life-affirming moment after looking at a photo from her wedding taken at exactly the moment her arms looked very thin. “…
Report: Trump University most flawed college since Electoral College
NEW YORK – A recent review of American schools has revealed some damning details about Trump University and the Electoral College, ranking them second-to-last and last, respectively, among …
Toronto City Council approves subway extension that goes one stop then immediately runs off cliff
TORONTO – After months of debate, Toronto’s City Council has finally approved a new subway extension that will provide access to the eastern portion of the GTA before immediately plunging i…
Local woman smashes 39 wine glasses on faucet while washing dishes
MONTREAL — It was a scene of total carnage on Friday night after local woman Natasha Campbell shattered 39 wine glasses in a row on the faucet while attempting to wash them carefully. The s…
