Standing Rock nervously counting days until white protester puts on headdress
STANDING ROCK, ND – As protests against the Dakota Access Pipeline head into winter and state aggression persists, Standing Rock Sioux water protectors brace for yet another problem – the s…
Electoral College should vote Clinton, says man who would die first in ensuing civil war
CLEVELAND – The Electoral College should vote for Hillary Clinton on December 19th, says local man Eric Stoneleigh, who will be senselessly killed in the early hours of December 20th, if th…
Kinder Morgan approval puts Trudeau ahead in Conservative leadership race
OTTAWA – After signing off on the Trans Mountain and Line 3 oil pipelines, Justin Trudeau has surged to a clear first place in the race to the lead the Conservative Party of Canada. “With Chong a…
Conservative Party Leadership Profile: Lisa Raitt
Name: Lisa Raitt Background Born and raised in Cape Breton, Raitt has always cited her strong Nova Scotian roots ever since she left at the first opportunity and will never come back. As a lawyer…
Bell, Rogers buy naming rights to nation’s newborns
Having already bought every stadium in the country, the nations telecommunications giants have now scooped up the naming rights for the hundreds of thousands of newborns in Canada. Catch a…
Hideously deformed moose for sure has nothing to do with oil sands
FORT CHIPEWYAN, AB – An almost unthinkably deformed moose found outside of Fort Chipewyan has ‘nothing to do’ with the oil sands, industry experts say. “Sure, its skin is, uh, pretty liquif…
Auditor General recycles previous report, changes title page
OTTAWA – Auditor General Michael Ferguson has re-released his yearly fall report, the major changes to last year being a shiny new insignia and this years date on the cover page. “Unlike the gove…
Merriam-Webster 2016 Word-of-the-Year: “Fuuuuuuuuuuck”
SPRINGFIELD, MA – The dictionary editors at Merriam-Webster have found that the most used word of 2016 was “fuuuuuuuuuuuuck”, followed closely by “Fuckfuckfuck”, “Jesus-Fucking-Christ”, and…
Exclamation! Numeral adjective pet verb!
Hey, Beaverton readers! We’re excited to announce we’re now posting cute pet listicles! Enjoy! 1) Hey! This adjective pet [dog/cat/other?] is verb my body part associated with emotion [brain/hear…
Facebook all set to remind you of the anniversary of that Minions meme your dead aunt posted
THE INTERNET – Despite you not asking for it even once, Facebook says it’s ready and waiting to remind you of that Minions meme your now-dead aunt posted three years ago. “Remember this?” s…
