Exhausted conservationist just going to focus on keeping rats from extinction this year
TORONTO – After decades of work during the greatest mass extinction since the Cretaceous, local conservationist Delina Jones is just going to set herself an achievable goal for 2017, by kee…
Experts: old celebrities to continue dying in 2017
The last 12 months claimed the lives of an exceptional amount of older celebrities including Alan Rickman, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, Leonard Cohen and Muhammed Ali, just to name a few. However,…
Report: Canada’s champion hotdog eater has already eaten more hotdogs than you will in an entire year
SCHREIBER, ON – Before Canadians finish their dinners at 6:47 PM ET tonight, Canada’s competitive hotdog eater Darrell Rigby will have already consumed 58 hotdogs, one more than the annual …
Local Man aghast Popeyes doesn’t serve spinach
EDMONTON, AB – Hoping to emulate the healthy diet of the classic cartoon character, local man, Howard Morovitz, 38, attempted to order spinach at restaurant chain Popeyes, and was appalled …
Local man keeping New Year’s resolutions secret like he is some kind of fucking spy or something
CALGARY – Local man Gary Delaney is refusing to tell anyone what his New Year’s resolutions are, because apparently he thinks he is a top secret government official who must protect his clo…
RCMP spying on journalists?
Donavon VS the RCMP.…
Minister for Jazz says it’s about the policies he’s not enacting
OTTAWA – Under fire for perceived laziness and seemingly random governance, MP Louis Billings has been forced to publicly defend his appointment as the head of the highest jazz regulatory b…
Local man unaware that NHL team cannot hear him through TV
Prince George, BC – Local man Ed Doherty has coached an entire NHL hockey game seemingly unaware that the Vancouver Canucks players, coaches or referees cannot hear him. The 54-year-old beg…
Lame firetruck barely on fire
LITTLE BAY, ON – For something that purports to be a truck of flame, one local engine can scarcely be said to be burning at all. “This is bullshit,” said local man Dave Menenzes. “You hear …
CBC purchases $1.2 million helicopter to cover more feel-good Syrian refugee stories
TORONTO – The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has announced the recent purchase of a $1.2 million Bell 206 helicopter to meet the public’s demand for heartwarming stories about Syrian ref…
