Local man unknowingly driving spirit animal extinct
VANCOUVER, BC- Sources confirm local man Greg Lommens continues to contribute to the endangerment of his spirit animal, the loggerhead turtle. “I was stoked when that quiz from Buzzfeed told me m…
Teacher strike ‘great experience’ for Ontario college students taking Labour Studies
TORONTO – As the Ontario college faculty strike approaches the one-month mark, students enrolled in Labour Studies programs continue to experience what many colleges are calling a “bonus co-op pl…
A Beaverton Exclusive! 20
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Roy Moore going door to door to campaign, tell people he’s a sex offender
Roy Moore’s new campaign strategy……
Mistrial declared after judge found to be three children in judicial gown
WINDSOR, ON – An Ontario courtroom was thrown into turmoil today after it was discovered that the presiding judge was in fact three children hiding under a judicial gown. The children, aged…
“Italy didn’t qualify for the World Cup because you’re too skinny,” claims Nonna
WOODBRIDGE, ON – After an aggregate 1-0 loss to Sweden in the playoff stages of World Cup qualifying, one Nonna seems to have the answer to explain the nation’s first qualification failure …
Permanent road to Arctic Ocean means endangered species can hitchhike away from climate change
TUKTOYAKTUK, NT – With the completion of a permanent road connecting Inuvik to Tuktoyaktuk, endangered and at-risk species can finally flee the the effects of climate change by hitchhiking …
Louis C.K. scandal only thing keeping local man from jerking off at work right this very second
PETERBOROUGH–Reports have confirmed that the recent scandal around beloved comedian Louis C.K.’s behavior is the one and only thing keeping local man Rick Ergin from rubbing one out at work…
General Brock’s dying words: “Name a mediocre university after me”
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. October 13th, 1812 QUEENSTON – With the Yankee foes vanquished from …
Dead body not as exciting as group of ten year olds thought it would be
Abbotsford B.C. – After embarking on a series of misadventures on their search for a rumoured corpse, local children Luke Fecks, Talbi Singh and Kyle Dobbs, were ultimately underwhelmed by …
