Report: the real NAFTA was in our hearts all along
Washington, DC- After months of tense negotiations between Mexico, Canada, and the US over free trade throughout the continent it has been discovered that real NAFTA has been in our hearts all al…
Universities try an unorthodox approach to free up admissions spots
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Years later man still haunted by memory of saying “Hi” to total stranger he thought was Jeff
RICHMOND, B.C. – After seven years, local man Gary Alonzo still wakes up in a cold sweat, traumatized by the memory of that time he accidentally greeted someone he thought was his friend Je…
Hawaiians report end-of-the-world sex not romantic, just frantic, terrifying
HONOLULU — Following an erroneous mobile phone alert telling Hawaiians a ballistic attack was imminent, thousands of island residents are reporting that engaging in panicked, fearful doomsd…
Touchdown celebration enters third day
PITTSBURGH, PA – The Pittsburgh Steelers have appeared to go above and beyond the expected victory march with their most recent touchdown celebration, which this afternoon surpassed the 70 …
Faith healer Trudeau tours country performing miracle of restoring his popularity
HAMILTON – Worshipers flocked to town halls across the country to watch faith healer Justin Trudeau perform the miraculous healing of his damaged reputation. “Ladies and gentlemen, I was in…
16 years after Gangs of New York, Daniel Day-Lewis still refusing to drop character as Bill the Butcher
NEW YORK – Proving his dedication to the craft of acting, Daniel Day-Lewis is still roaming the streets of New York city with a cleaver, even though principal photography on Gangs of New Yo…
What’s-His-Face, That Guy named to Canadian Olympic men’s hockey team
TORONTO – Team Canada has announced its men’s Olympic hockey roster which includes such notable players as What’s-His-Face, That Guy, and Him. “We have a very talented, hard-working team,” …
Parti Québécois proves they aren’t racist by bravely not wanting to talk about racism
QUEBEC CITY – As the anniversary of last year’s mosque shooting outside Québec City approaches, the Parti Québécois has succeeded in proving that they are “not even a little bit racist” by opposi…
