EDINBURGH — After years of country-wide debate, and a frenzied campaign that appeared to tighten in the final weeks, the result of Scotland’s independence referendum made a resounding internation…
World
Obama announces airstrikes against Ebola
WASHINGTON – Under heavy pressure from the international community to respond, President Barack Obama announced he will use surgical airstrikes in West Africa to defeat Ebola. “The United S…
Following verdict, Oscar Pistorius promises to be more careful next time he shoots girlfriend
PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA – Following a judge’s ruling that he did not murder Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius pledged that he would approach his next domestic homicide far more cautiously. “I…
William and Kate confirm: ‘we just can’t stop boning’
LONDON – With the news of a second baby on the way, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have confirmed they both “really like boning.” “We are very pleased to announce that our co…
DNA tests ‘prove’ that Jack the Ripper was a super weird dude
LONDON – Following years of DNA testing on one of the only surviving pieces of physical evidence, British scientists have conclusively determined that notorious serial murderer Jack the Rip…
IMF unveils elite new currency only rich people can use
WASHINGTON — International Monetary Fund Managing director Christine Lagarde yesterday unveiled a new luxury currency that will be used to provide those in the one percent a stable, convenient al…
World’s nations ask if it’s too late to boycott Sochi Olympics
WASHINGTON – In response to increased Russian support of Ukrainian rebels, a coalition of world powers have announced that they will inquire whether it is too late to boycott the Sochi Winter Oly…
Artistic elephant paints vivid description of how he was forced to paint by zoo officials
BANGKOK – A three year old Asian elephant named Mai-Mai has created several abstract paintings portraying his abuse by zoo keepers who forced the gentle giant to paint to entertain tourists…
Desperate for the world’s attention, Central African Republic refugee hopes for Israeli attack
SIDO, CHAD – While awaiting his daily food ration at this UN-administered camp in Southern Chad, a CAR refugee stated that an Israeli attack of any kind could really bring world attention to the …
UPDATE: Same old shit happening in Gaza again
TEL AVIV – Both Palestinian and Israeli sources have confirmed today that the “usual crap” is currently taking place in Gaza, and that they have “fucking had it.” “I’m tired of all this shit,” sa…
