BEIJING — In a swift and brutal raid last night, Chinese state officials arrested and jailed the family of the cotton sprout that withered and died just days after becoming the first plant …
World
Millennial taking spectre of nuclear war in stride
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Sources report thirty year old Caitlin Barnes is “pretty laid back” despite the very real possibility a single tweet could incinerate the world in a massive radioactive in…
Egyptian museum claims dibs on Tower of London after UK falls into post-Brexit turmoil
CAIRO – An Egyptian museum focusing on fallen human civilizations has called dibs on the Tower of London now that the country is expected to fall into complete turmoil now that Boris Johnso…
Chinese government inviting Canadian tourists with authentic geopolitical prisoner experience
BEIJING – The Chinese government is wooing more Canadians to take in the comfort of a customary cell block, breathtaking interrogations, and quiet isolation as part of their new Chinese geo…
Brexit supporters divided on the best way to fuck Northern Ireland
LONDON — After months of contentious debates and cabinet shake-ups, Brexit supporters have still not come to a consensus on the best way to really screw Northern Ireland. “I don’t know what…
In return for Moai, Easter Islanders take Westminster Abbey for the next 150 years
EASTER ISLAND – After demanding the return of a culturally significant basalt statue that was stolen from their land 150 years ago, the Rapa Nui peoples of Easter Island have taken one of G…
Canadian backpacker joins migrant caravan for ‘authentic Central American experience’
TIJUANA, MEXICO – Canadian Backpacker, Max Henderson, 22, previously reported missing during his backpacking trip through Central America, has been found traveling with a caravan of over 40…
World’s nations reach historic agreement that they probably should have done something about climate change a while ago
NEW YORK – In a moment of surprising and inspirational unity, all of the nations of the world agreed at a summit today that, while there was absolutely nothing they could do about it now, t…
Ukraine changes national anthem to ‘I kraine, you kraine, we all kraine for Ukraine’
KIEV – In a move that has Ukrainians hopeful for greater unity and world respect, the Ukrainian parliament has voted 412-38 to change the national anthem to a new song, entitled: I kraine, …
South Korea mandates conscription of youth into K-Pop groups
SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – As an escalation of the global culture war, South Korea has mandated the conscription of all its youth to serve time in a K-Pop group. At the age of seventeen all South…
