DEER CREVICE, ON – Despite weeks of working out and drinking protein shakes, local man Jared Allman’s attempts to take an attractive photograph of himself in the mirror are consistently rui…
Science and Technology
Conservationists mourn loss of world’s last remaining untattooed line cook
VANCOUVER – Anthropologists and Conservationists around the world are mourning a drastic loss of human diversity after the death of Dave Laskowski, 54, reputed to be the last line cook livi…
Experts: your kids may be using internet to look up recipes containing gluten
TORONTO – Police and educators say that parents aren’t educating their children enough about internet use, and warn that a growing number of young people are using the internet to search fo…
News story about contaminated chocolate milk has local man really craving chocolate milk
TORONTO – A recent news story about recalled Beatrice chocolate milk being contaminated with sanitizers has local man Alex Hallman really craving chocolate milk. “Something something chemic…
For first time, computer wins game of chess against Death
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – After defeating a human player in the game of Go, Google’s Deepmind AlphaGo computer has also become the first computer to win a game of chess against Death. “We’re thri…
Nanotechnology firm unveils world’s smallest severance package
SILICON VALLEY – In what has been hailed as a major breakthrough in the hyper-competitive world of nanotechnology, tech giant PikoTekk Industries has unveiled the world’s smallest ever severance …
Forensic paleontologist solves prehistoric cold case
DRUMHELLER, AB – Some one hundred and forty five million years after the case was abandoned by authorities, maverick paleontologist Dr. Matthew Parch has found new fossil evidence in a Jura…
New Air B&E app lets you stay in other people’s unsecured homes
SAN FRANCISCO – A new online application is revolutionizing the hospitality industry by allowing users to stay in the homes of regular people who haven’t properly secured their property. “A…
Study: All remaining Canadian journalists able to fit inside 1997 Volkswagen Jetta
TORONTO – A study by Professor Simone Caffrey at Ryerson University has shown that as a result of massive layoffs in Canada’s news organizations, all remaining Canadian journalists, when st…
After pet cosmetic surgery ban, Quebec faces epidemic of unfuckable pets
QUEBEC CITY – After Quebec’s order of veterinarians banned cosmetic ear-cropping and tail-docking, the province is facing an unprecedented surge in completely fugly pets. “Augh, nasty,” sai…
