TORONTO – Dozens of unkempt and haggard PC staffers greeted the morning dawn from the offices of Queen’s Park this morning, having spent the entire night trying to think of more alcohol rel…
Ontario
Mandatory anti-carbon tax stickers must be placed on the faces of all Ontario residents by today
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s new law requiring everyone in the province to stick an anti-carbon tax decal in the middle of their faces kicks in today. Officials from the Ministry o…
Ford government cancels tree planting program after learning trees also want to eliminate carbon
TORONTO – In a move harshly criticized by environmentalists nationwide, the Ford government announced yesterday that it is cancelling a program that would have seen 50 million new trees planted i…
“The provincial government will no longer be sued for negligence,” says Ford spinning handgun with safety off
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced to the media that the province will no longer be liable for misfeasance and negligence making it nearly impossible to sue the government. The a…
Doug Ford announces new Toronto subway lines, cancels them before end of conference
TORONTO — Speaking to reporters, Ontario premier Doug Ford cancelled the city’s plans for a downtown relief subway line before announcing his own “Ontario Line” subway, which he also then p…
Don’t all these nerdwads realize firing teachers is totally boss?
By: Doug Ford I just don’t get it! Thousands of students protesting at Queen’s Park and for what? Because I did them a favour and fired a bunch a’ dumb teachers who force them to go to school! Th…
Ontario introduces “Peanut Butter on Dick” sex-ed curriculum
TORONTO – In a surprising new development in Ontario’s controversial sex-ed curriculum rollback, the Progressive Conservative government announced a province-wide focus on Peanut Butter on …
Ford government increases high school class size to reduce learning
TORONTO – Education minister Lisa Thompson recently announced that class sizes for grade four and above will increase from 22 to 28 students, resulting in a 4% reduction in costs, and 8% re…
Ontario Healthcare system cuts budget by using Flintstones chewable vitamins for everything
TORONTO – Ontario Hospitals and Pharmacies formally announced their plans to cut costs and benefit the taxpayer by switching all medicines and therapies to Flintstones chewable vitamins. “T…
Doug Ford’s customized OPP van runs over first whistleblower
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s customized OPP van has reportedly struck its first whistleblower near Queen’s Park earlier today. The specialized van complete with $100,000 worth of u…
