OSHAWA, ON – To commemorate the new bus stop being built on Rossland Road, Mayor John Henry unzipped his fly, and took the ceremonial first urination on the back wall of the stop. “I hope t…
Local
Funeral procession teargassed after being mistaken for protest
TORONTO – Thirteen mourners are in hospital after police mistook the procession for a local doctor’s funeral for a demonstration. “Our job is to protect the city from violence and des…
Man who has never been to independent bookstore furious over its closing
VICTORIA, B.C. – Local man Stephen Dewitt is reportedly furious over the closing of independent bookstore ‘Moby Dickens’ despite having never financially supported the business in any form.…
White guy at party doesn’t need blackface to prove he’s racist
ST. CATHARINES – A local Caucasian man feels no need to make an effort by wearing blackface at a costume party to prove that he is a bigot. “What a bunch of amateurs,” Daniel Ivor, 21, mutt…
Local insomniac having hard time appreciating end to daylight savings
PERTH, ON – Local insomniac Evan Sampson is having difficulty appreciating the end of Daylight Savings time, which grants him an additional hour in his day. “Why?” asked a visib…
Man suffocates to death in Mike Duffy mask
HALIFAX, NS – Tragedy struck a Halloween party in downtown Halifax last night. Joe Wallis, who was dressed up as Mike Duffy was pronounced dead after suffocating in his mask. “We believe th…
Children rejoice after woman who handed out raisins for Halloween dies
BARRIE – Local children are celebrating after learning that the widow who keeps giving them raisins for Halloween has died. “Alright, she’s dead!” rejoiced nine-year old Jackson LeMay weari…
Local pumpkin excited to find out what Jack-o-Lantern is
WHITBY — A delighted local pumpkin has expressed mounting excitement about getting to see his first Jack-o-Lantern this Halloween. “From the minute they [the Henderson family, the pumpkin’s purch…
Bored guy could eat
VANCOUVER – After nearly three hours of aimlessly wandering around, local dude Adrian Lemmoux had it apparent that he could munch on something. “I mean, I did just have that roast beef sand…
Dog suspiciously upbeat at owner’s funeral
BARRIE- Friends and family of recently deceased Toronto resident Alan March have reported that his pet labrador retriever Buddy seemed strangely cheerful at March’s funeral two days ago. “I expec…
