Toronto – After her 38 year-old son Ben Johnson moved out and got a job at Starbucks, Child Protective Services decided to investigate his mother, Deborah, for possible child neglect and abandonm…
Local
Local child wants to push button
This afternoon, witnesses report a woman walking with a 5-year-old girl who loudly proclaimed her desire to push the button at the crosswalk. “She was really pushy,” said James P. Garland, a loca…
Costco offers discount on 50-pack of hepatitis A vaccines
PETERBOROUGH — Following the recall of a frozen berry blend potentially contaminated with hepatitis A, Costco is offering bulk packs of vaccines at a discounted price. The 50-pack of hepati…
Local father regales family with stories of battles fought against telecommunications providers
KINGSTON — Late last night, local father Paul Mallory gathered his family by the fire to recount many illustrious battles fought against major telecommunications providers. Speaking to his …
Cheryl from the office prints out all her emails, 11.5 million documents of Panama Papers
OTTAWA — Upon hearing about the Panama Papers scandal, Cheryl from the office loaded all 11.5 million leaked documents up on her computer, but became frustrated when the formatting got “won…
Local dad starts work on emergency backup porch
KINGSTON – Local dad Henry Spurlock has begun construction on an auxiliary porch to be deployed in case of a major failure in the current primary porch. “So far the primary porch has operat…
Guy taking up three seats on train must be really important
TORONTO – This afternoon an unnamed man on the TTC left other commuters in awe, as they wondered how important he must be to need a full three seats on the train. “Maybe he’s so…
Hero dog wins award for bravery, despite not even knowing that he exists
OTTAWA – Pixie, a four-year-old army dog, has been awarded the Dickin Medal for bravely serving in military conflict, despite the fact that, as a dog, he has no concept of sacrifice, duty, or sel…
After waking from twelve year coma, local man excited to ask nurse “wassssup!?”
KINGSTON – After more than a decade in a vegetative state, 27-year-old Kingston man Alex Hinds opened his eyes last week much to the surprise of healthcare providers. When asked what he planned t…
Trip to Cape Breton turns tragic after four overdose on Rankin Family
SYDNEY, NS — A trip to Nova Scotia’s most famous island ended in tragedy yesterday after four tourists from Ottawa overdosed on the iconic country-folk group, the Rankin Family. The inciden…
