OTTAWA—Scientists released a report today indicating that shit! It’s Mother’s Day! Fuck, what time is it? Authors of the report further stated that goddamn it, Mom’s probably already in bed by no…
Local
Local Mother’s Day ruined by Freudian Slip
SASKATOON, SK – Witnesses report that local businessman, Jared Rice, has made Mother’s Day intolerably awkward for everyone around him after he accidentally introduced his mother, Ruth, as …
Report: Everyone in government office on some sort of leave
OTTAWA — Sources confirmed yesterday that all 53 employees and managers in a Public Works and Government Services program are on some sort of leave. For the past three months, not a soul ha…
Local man fondly reflects on Martin Sheen presidency
KINGSTON – In the wake of yet another barrage of back and forth insults from Democratic and Republican candidates alike, Kingston local Alex Hinds spent most of yesterday afternoon reflecting fon…
Local mom already teary-eyed full week before Mother’s Day
SASKATOON – Debra McIntosh, a local mother, is barely holding back tears of happiness after she remembered that her husband and children will be celebrating Mother’s Day in a week. “Just th…
Shy man eager to be cajoled into dancing
Sudbury, ON – Local partygoer Andrew Heath, currently appearing to be enjoying a calm and pleasant drink, is in reality counting down the seconds until someone loudly and showily pulls him …
Local woman’s life doesn’t pass the Bechdel test
OAKVILLE — If the life of Isabelle Henley, local paralegal, wife, and mother, were made into a movie, critics agree it would fail the Bechdel test. “Most days I wake up, ask my sons what th…
Canadian Revenue Agency unable to figure out where mattress company hiding its profits
OSHAWA, ON – Despite searching through the recently leaked Panama Papers for shell companies, looking into offshore banks, and checking for any potential money laundering operations, the CR…
Margaret Wente now required to submit columns through Turnitin.com
TORONTO – Faced with new allegations of plagiarism, Globe and Mail columnist Margaret Wente will now be required to submit all of her work to the student essay checking service Turnitin.com…
Authorities deem mother unfit for letting her children live in Winnipeg
WINNIPEG — Further to an upward trend of activity by Child Protective Services (CPS), the CPS launched an investigation into the conduct of a mother of two who has been allowing her childr…
