TRENTON, ON – Twenty-three year old Ron Masellis recently converted to Christianity in order to access an incalculable amount of khaki pants. “Originally I mistook an evangelical youth grou…
Local
Gingham-clad man slid along reclaimed wood table, thrown through restaurant window in mimosa-fueled brunch brawl
TORONTO – Police are trying to maintain order at local restaurant “Bacon for Forgiveness” after a frequent patron was thrown through a glass window in what is still an ongoing drunken, no-h…
Man pretty sure nobody on train will notice him clipping nails, moulting skin
TORONTO – Fairly certain that nobody on his morning commute will notice, local man Paul Markus has begun to slowly clip his nails and tear away his current layer of skin to make room for a …
Report: Not one goddamned pen works in this house
YOUR HOUSE – Early reports indicate that there is not a single, goddamned pen that works in this house. The revelation became apparent immediately after you needed to write something down t…
Firefighters rescue man from shower who forgot towel
NEWMARKET, ON – A dramatic scene unfolded earlier this morning after a towel-less man was rescued from his shower by firefighters. The shivering man survived an agonizing 20 minutes before …
Brampton man no longer “the Tiger Woods of impaired driving”
BRAMPTON, ON – After the arrest of golf great Tiger Woods on a DUI charge on Monday, fans and friends of the four-time Masters winner have been dealing with disappointment- but none have be…
Boyfriend’s romantic picnic spread 80% kielbasa
HAMILTON – Local boyfriend Ivan Reid plans to surprise his new girlfriend Jen this weekend with a romantic picnic spread that is at least 80% kielbasa. “My Tinder profile says I’…
Moans from basement only thing keeping local B & B from 5-star Yelp review
SUMMERSIDE, PEI – A recent survey of Yelp reviews for local bed and breakfast Lily’s Guesthouse have confirmed that the strange, definitely human moans being heard from the basement are mos…
Shorts Guy pulls the trigger a couple weeks early again
CALGARY – Local man Derek Rathburn, known to many in the community as Shorts Guy, has reportedly jumped the gun once again on breaking out his trusty shorts for the summer season. “We had o…
Friends and family look on helplessly as local woman contemplates Smallville marathon
CALGARY – The friends and family of Katherine Jacobs, 30, are at a loss as to how to prevent her from throwing hundreds of hours of her life away on a Smallville marathon. “We all knew she’…
