VANCOUVER, BC – With the cancellation of summer camp programs across the country, escaped murderer Billy Webber is finding himself unsure of how we will spend the season without a fresh bat…
Local
Condo developers seek help from Marginalized Community on where to gentrify next
VANCOUVER – In order to address the ongoing housing crisis, condo developers have reached out to marginalized communities in search of the next neighbourhood to gentrify. “We owe the …
5 great excuses not to hang out when you’re free all the time now and they know it
So you used to have a million excuses to get out of hanging out with your friends. But now that literally every single one of your plans are gone, and the whole planet is under house arrest, ever…
Family finally decapitates Minotaur inhabiting living room pillowfort
NELSON, B.C – All eyes were on the Galifinakis residence last Friday night as the family emerged triumphantly from their home with the severed head of the Minotaur that had been dwelling wi…
Introvert fine
HAMILTON – As COVID-19 self-isolation has taken a huge psychological toll on much of the population, local introvert Sangeeta Varma is reportedly kind of okay to be honest. Thanks to social dista…
Staring baby obviously looking for a fight
TORONTO – A fight nearly broke out on a streetcar earlier today between a fully-grown adult man and a two-month-old baby named Benjamin. Onlookers reported seeing the infant begin the fight by st…
Man who has barely left basement apartment in months really enjoying his rich friends’ cottage photos
TORONTO – Local man Jerome Wittels has been housebound in his 300 sq. foot basement apartment since the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown began, but says he is getting quite a lot of enjoyment see…
Total loser misses friends and loved ones
KITCHENER — Social distancing protocols have separated Canadians for over two months, and while many are rising to the challenge of slowing the pandemic, total loser Ruth Kim recently admitted sh…
Thorough catcaller tells all mask-wearing women to smile
TORONTO – As more and more women don face masks in an attempt to protect themselves and others from the novel coronavirus, catcallers across the city are finding themselves growing increasingly f…
Visiting kids excited to give mom the gift of coronavirus
HAMILTON – Many adult kids blowing off social distancing for Mother’s Day are looking forward to repaying their mothers for 18 years of love and financial support with a potentially deadly diseas…
