TORONTO – As shopping malls and grocery stores switch to Christmas music and eager neighbours begin putting up decorations, local accountant Thomas Muncy has told reporters that he’s ejaculating …
Holidays
Report: Due to shrinkflation, Halloween chip bags now just air
TORONTO – When local man Peter Vidal decided to have “just one bag” of the Halloween chips he purchased for trick-or-treaters, he was shocked to discover that it contained only air. &…
Coworker putting up Christmas decorations justifiably murdered
TORONTO — Account manager Andrea Gill was quietly dispatched on Tuesday after spending the weekend festooning her workplace with Christmas decorations. “She’d been starting earlier every year,” s…
Local man’s “Dave Chappell Roan” Halloween costume hated by all
HALIFAX – Local Halloween enthusiast Mark Culvers’ latest costume, combining standup comedian Dave Chappelle and indie pop star Chappell Roan, was reportedly universally loathed at a recent…
5 tips for celebrating Saskatchewan Day, New Brunswick Day, Natal Day, Briti—wait, Natal Day? What the fuck?
HALIFAX – Another August long weekend is upon us, and whether you’re a Manitoban celebrating Terry Fox Day, a Vancouverite getting ready to enjoy British Columbia Day, or a Nova Scotian ringing i…
Easter Bunny to bring marshmallow Peeps for naughty kids
Easter Island – The Easter Bunny held a press conference yesterday to announce a radical change to the annual egg hunt tradition. Bunny is adding a moral framework to his delivery system, w…
“I can’t believe you have to work on a holiday!” exclaims woman actively patronising business
TORONTO — Cynthia Johnson was shocked and appalled by the fact that the staff of her favourite local coffee shop were being forced to work on Christmas morning, despite the fact that her being th…
“I’m worried about how much you’ve been sleeping,” says concerned Santa
OTTAWA – According to local sources, Santa Claus has reached out to 33-year-old receptionist Stephanie Bauer after noticing she’s slept right through the last several weekends. “Ho, ho, ho! You d…
Study: visions of Sugarplums may be sign of acute eggnog poisoning
OTTAWA – A new study by Health Canada and several associated medical boards has found that pre-Christmas dreams of sugarplums dancing in someone’s head may be a warning sign they’ve c…
Thousands of young Canadians travel home to visit standard of living they’ll never afford
OTTAWA – With Christmas only days away, thousands of young Canadians prepare to journey home and visit a quality of living that they will never possibly hope to afford. Across the entire na…