TORONTO – As provinces around the country abandon vaccine and mask mandates, a shocking new report has concluded that just because we’d all like the pandemic to be over, doesn’t…
Health
Two-year pandemic officially longest relationship of woman’s life
Mississauga, ON – This week marks a major milestone in local woman Caitlyn Donahue’s life, as she celebrates two years of the COVID-19 pandemic – A.K.A. the longest relationship of her life. “I w…
Friend clearly trying to one-up your ‘I got COVID despite not going anywhere’ story
TORONTO – After you posted that you tested positive for COVID despite barely leaving the house, friends in the comments took the opportunity to advise that they too have been diagnosed with…
Workplace reminds you mental health comes first unless it impedes productivity
MONTREAL – Earlier this week tech start-up Fraggle sent a company-wide email reminding employees that mental health always comes first unless it impedes their productivity or makes their co…
“Sure Omicron may be 100% more infectious, but it’s 15% less deadly so everything will be fine,” says man who is real good at math
Red Deer, AB – As data comes forward indicating the Omicron variant is twice as infectious as Delta but possibly causes 10-15% less deaths amidst those it infects, local math expert Dalton …
Local woman at that age where she gets hangovers from eating too much soup now
SAULT STE. MARIE, ON – Jayne Hinton, 32, is slowly discovering what her body can’t handle nowadays, ranging from a glass of wine to a heavy meal before bed. Most recently, Hinton discovered…
Fake doctors take brave stand against real medicine
VANCOUVER – The B.C. College of Chiropractors, firmly rejecting the scientific method in favor of treatment by loud bone-cracking sounds, voted overwhelmingly against a vaccine mandate at t…
Shoppers Drug Mart promises 500 Optimum Points for every case of COVID contracted in-store
TORONTO – With the Ontario Government unveiling a plan to conduct symptomatic COVID-19 tests inside Shoppers Drug Mart stores, the pharmacy giant has announced that every shopper who contra…
Woman afraid to ask if other people’s feet are also this sweaty
SASKATCHEWAN – Local woman, Maria D’Souza, has spent most of her life being afraid to ask other people if their feet are as sweaty as hers. “What first made me think something was wrong was…
COVID booster shots approved for all sheeple and government simps over 18
OTTAWA – A third booster shot of the COVID-19 vaccine has been approved by Health Canada for use on all sheeple and government simps over the age of 18. “At this time the booster is recomme…
