LONDON, ON – An ontological nightmare has ravaged downtown’s Tabby Kitten Cafe after your coworker and local barista, Noelle Burns, tried to convince the staff that the memory of her …
Health
Local woman spices up life by swinging wildly between depression and anxiety
EDMONTON, AB – Local interior designer Rebecca McCallops has found a new lease on her otherwise humdrum life by veering wildly between bouts of depression and anxiety. “I was in a really he…
Local man in line confusingly announces he won’t be tipping his vaccine nurse
WESTMOUNT, QC – Local resident Glerbert Memps was waiting in line to receive his first COVID vaccine shot when he loudly announced to the strangers behind him that he would definitely not b…
Doctor unsure if woman has Munchausen Syndrome or if she’s faking it
ANN ARBOR- A medical mystery is plaguing local family physician Dr. Kyle Bryan as he debates a diagnosis of either Munchausen Syndrome or faking it. “Yeah, it’s a real challenge,” said Dr Bryan a…
CDC announces that schoolchildren can finally swap masks for bulletproof vests
ATLANTA – More than fifteen months into the global COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has announced that children returning to in-person learning can finally …
Local man who hates hugs at work stalling on vaccination
LAVAL, QC – Hugo Drujon, age 50, has been eligible for weeks to receive a vaccination but has been holding out in an effort to avoid the inevitable offers of hugs at work that will come on…
Totally normal doctor recommends getting vaccinated in arm not used for masturbating
EDMONTON – Because the COVID vaccine generally causes soreness in the arm it’s injected into, Dr. Alex Hall has been advising Canadians to get it in their non-masturbation arm. “Many Canadians ar…
Hundreds of superheroes’ identities revealed as CDC gives ok to remove masks
ATLANTA, GA – With the CDC approving Americans to remove their masks many masked superheroes have complied, resulted in the accidental reveal of hundreds of superheroes’ secret identities. …
Best shape of man’s life still pretty mediocre
REGINA – After six months following a carefully crafted diet plan, daily sessions of cardio, and periodic weight training, Regina resident Issac Gavin has become a moderately in shape man. …
Half-vaxxed man goes back to work, leaves un-vaxxed half at home
HAMILTON, ON – Alf Keeling, a 37-year-old marketing manager recently got his first dose of the Moderna vaccine, and was given the OK to return to working in his office – but only the …
