LONDON, ON – After Premier Doug Ford was recorded joking about bringing back the death penalty, he has since confirmed that not only will he follow through with the idea, but he is already …
Health
Injured ham sandwich rushed to Mayo Clinic
ROCHESTER, MN — Reports are coming in that a ham and cheese sandwich suffered a grievous injury in its internal ingredients, necessitating medical evacuation to the Mayo Clinic. “This is about as…
Problematic but brilliant doctor who plays by his own rules will put your new liver where he damn well pleases
TORONTO – Renegade doctor Lance Falcon is shocking the medical establishment with his brilliant but wildly unorthodox thoughts on where your new liver should go, according to dazzled reporters. “…
Breaking: doctors starting to suspect that women’s bodies work differently than men’s
REGINA, SK – In a groundbreaking speech, Dr. Jeremy Edgar of Fairmont Grover Health Research Institute, delivered new findings that the female body may have innate biological differences th…
“Get well soon!” says woman who doesn’t understand how chronic illness works
KITCHENER, ON – A local office worker who completely misunderstands how chronic illness works has reportedly told her chronically ill coworker to “get well soon!” Linda Campbell, 53, sent t…
Wizard? This woman timed her edible to the end of her workday
NANAIMO, BC – Local woman Michelle Jennings has been labelled as some form of all-seeing sorceress after perfectly timing her edible to the end of her workday. Jennings, who largely works from ho…
As COVID rates skyrocket, health officials warn Canadians to wear plenty of sunscreen
OTTAWA – Canada is experiencing extremely high COVID-19 rates this summer, and health officials across the country have responded by alerting Canadians to the heightened risk of sunburn whi…
Doug Ford closes Safe Injection Site to make way for new All-You-Can-Drink Booze Guzzler’s Emporium
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced the imminent shutdown of a local safe injection site in favour of a new retail outlet devoted solely to alcohol consumption. “I have h…
Coppertone unveils new SPF 1,000,000 sunblock that shrouds land in eternal darkness
MONTREAL – As Canadians face another scorching hot summer, Coppertone has announced a new extra-potent sunscreen line that banishes the sun back behind the hills and mountains from which it dares…
Québec language inspectors check that patients are dying in French
MONTRÉAL – The government of Québec has confirmed that inspectors from the Office Québécois de la Langue Française have been monitoring conversations at a local hospital to ensure that pati…