VANCOUVER, BC – Canadians are in for a treat this week with the return of two beloved national pastimes: Tim Horton’s Roll up the Rim contest – and also worrying about the devastating outco…
Food
Report: Turtles delicious, come with [own] bowl
HALIFAX, NS – A shocking new report written by acclaimed naturalist, David Attenborough, and published by unlikelyrecipes.com suggests that not only are turtles delicious, but they convenie…
Vaccine passport wasted on Mr. Sub
WATERLOO — In what many are calling a “total waste,” 31-year-old Aaron Berger was seen using his recently-acquired vaccine passport to dine in at a Mr. Sub franchise Tuesday afternoon. “It’…
Tim Hortons confirms that only vaccinated employees will be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine
LEDUC – As part of ongoing pandemic response measures, national coffee chain Tim Hortons has confirmed that employees will not be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine until they’ve ha…
Local craft brewery makes world’s first sentient IPA
TORONTO- Local Brewers Jeff King and Karl Bluff have shocked the fans of their local craft brewery by releasing an IPA with such hoppy complexity that the brew has gained sentience. “It started …
Opinion: I’m actually protesting at this hospital because the cafeteria options are bad
Sick Kids, Toronto – It appears there’s been a misunderstanding. I am not some jerk who is protesting at this hospital because I don’t want to be vaccinated. I am protesting at this hospita…
Half-eaten chip bag retrieved after 8 minutes in cupboard
TORONTO – Reports found that yesterday local copywriter Gavin Issac retrieved his half-eaten family-sized bag of all-dressed potato chips exactly eight minutes and sixteen seconds after pu…
Local woman says cat helped bake muffins even though cat just sat there and did fuck all
PICKERING, ON – Maci Livingston, a 28-year-old programmer recently made home-made muffins for a small get-together she was having, claiming her cat Pumpkin, 2, helped bake them despite the …
Local man ashamed by number of chopsticks included with delivery he plans to eat by himself
MONTREAL – Paul McGinley, a 29-year-old bachelor, has reported feeling an overwhelming wave of personal shame after seeing how many sets of chopsticks were included in the delivery he just recei…
Authentic plant-based meat adds gristly mushroom bits for consumers to gag on
EL SEGUNDO, CA – As part of their ongoing quest to create a plant-based meat that accurately mirrors real meat in every way, Beyond Meat has begun sprinkling inedible vegan gristle into the…
