MISSISSAUGA, ON- 5’1” woman Alexandra Vega cannot be more eager to tell the world that she yet again is not like other girls, because adult-sized masks are too large for her perfectly small and f…
Culture
Ellen comes out as mean
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a long period of open rumours, clear public hints and confirmed direct accounts, popular daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has officially come out as mean. Th…
Canadian Army stands down after Schitt’s Creek gets 15 Emmy nominations
OTTAWA – A violent international incident has been averted as the U.S.-based Academy of Television Arts & Sciences recognized the final season of the Canadian TV show Schitt’s Creek wit…
2020 Song of Summer is your colleagues yelling “You’re on mute!”
TORONTO, ON – After several weeks of indecision, it was finally revealed that the official 2020 summer song is your colleagues yelling “You’re On Mute!” Sure to be a classic for years to co…
One Direction reach 10-year anniversary, submit bodies to recycler to make way for fresh crop of heartthrobs
LOS ANGELES – Hit boy-band One Direction are celebrating their 10-year anniversary this week before surrendering their bodies back to the music industry to be recycled. The group was assemb…
Avatar 2 delayed until after Avatar 3
LOS ANGELES – Director James Cameron has announced today that Avatar 2, the long-gestating sequel to his 2009 magnum opus, has been delayed by COVID-19 restrictions, and will not be coming …
Twitter confident most users will pay for the privilege of getting called a dumb bitch
SAN FRANCISCO – Twitter confirmed today that it is looking to boost falling revenues by asking users to pay money in order to be harassed by strangers online. “We are exploring ways to give…
The Beaverton’s top five four three two one uncancellable hunks of Hollywood
Guess what, Beav Babes? The annual list you’ve been waiting for is finally here! Every year we assemble a list of five guaranteed unproblematic hot Hollywood hunks that you can crush on, 100% gui…
Festivals on indefinite hold until deemed safe enough to have a 6’8’’ man block your view
GENEVA – Plans to allow music festivals to continue with their rescheduled dates have been put on indefinite hold by the World Health Organization until deemed safe enough to have a 6’8” ma…
In push for racial unity, white woman volunteers to try jerk chicken
TORONTO – In solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement and in an attempt to solve racial unrest once and for all, a local white woman volunteered to try jerk chicken for the very firs…
