TORONTO – With its business taking a beating after only one year operating in Canada, Target is hoping to draw customers back in by renaming its Canadian operation ‘Zellers.’ “We know this …
Business
Dynamic businessman outsources his extra-marital affairs
VANCOUVER – A local executive has developed an innovative way to be unfaithful to his wife by contracting out extra-marital affairs to a third party located offshore. “Frankly, I found chea…
Wal-Mart advertises new price, worker benefit rollbacks
BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS – In an effort to engage consumers, Wal-Mart has begun advertising rollbacks in employee health benefits and wages in their weekly flyers. “At Walmart, our associates pride …
Underground firefighting legalized
BRAMPTON, ON – A recent Alcohol and Gaming Commission bill has declared the underground fire fighting circuit in Brampton to be legal. “It doesn’t appear as though the fires are being force…
New dating app “Tradr Datr” allows you to send out more attractive person on dates
TORONTO – The makers of “Personal Dating Assistant,” the site that offers its users consultants who manage your online dating profile for you, have developed a new app that allo…
Hallmark sues third grader over plagiarized Father’s Day card
SASKATOON – Hallmark is launching a lawsuit against local eight year old Charlie Samson, accusing him of having stolen the concept of one of their greeting cards. “‘Best Father Ever’ is a p…
Google unveils carless driver
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA – In a move that promises to ravish and dilapidate the transportation industry, technology leviathan Google, Inc. has revealed ‘Walker’: a fully-functional p…
Local ant farm bought out by agribusiness
CAPE BRETON, NS – Tragedy struck Nova Scotia today, as one of the last locally owned agricultural sites in the province, an ant farm owned by 11-year-old Billy Lawson, was bought out by agr…
GM recalls being good at making cars
DETROIT, MI – In the wake of several manufacturing errors on many different models affecting over 13.6 million vehicles, General Motors has announced that it is recalling that it used to be…
