ROCHESTER, MN — Reports are coming in that a ham and cheese sandwich suffered a grievous injury in its internal ingredients, necessitating medical evacuation to the Mayo Clinic. “This is about as…
Gen Xer attempts to untangle AirPods
NANAIMO, BC — Local Gen X-er Jerry Greene flailed like an inflatable car dealership mascot today as he attempted to untangle and insert his AirPods before answering his ringing iPhone. “‘Call mis…
Seasonal temperature shifts create pleasing sounds from house built entirely out of accordions
CHARLOTTETOWN — While many Prince Edward Islanders mark the arrival of Fall by noticing the changing colours of the leaves, Daryl McClintock listens for the soothing sonic effects of temperature …
Amazeballs explosion! Trendster adds awesome sauce to cool beans
BRAMALEA, ON — Local trendster Emily Ling established herself as the GOAT when she pushed the envelope by pouring awesome sauce onto cool beans, resulting in an amazeballs explosion of cray cray …
Archeological evidence reveals Jesus’s speciality as a carpenter was installing jacuzzis
JUDAEA — Archeologists from Sapienza University of Rome have recently uncovered evidence suggesting that Yeshua Ben Yusuf, popularly known as “Jesus,” had a thriving career installing jacuzzis. “…
Mystical ayahuasca experience concludes with survey for chance to win $25 Amazon gift card
SLOCAN, BC — Life coach Skye Morgan reported that the mystical healing experience she had at an ayahuasca retreat last weekend concluded with an unexpected element: a survey qualifying her to win…
Coworker putting up Christmas decorations justifiably murdered
TORONTO — Account manager Andrea Gill was quietly dispatched on Tuesday after spending the weekend festooning her workplace with Christmas decorations. “She’d been starting earlier every year,” s…
Airport security introduces option to sketch travellers like one of their French girls
OTTAWA — Canada’s Air Transport Security Authority has announced that travellers averse to being scanned by invasive technology will now have the option to be gracefully sketched like one o…
Jeopardy brings back worst performing contestants for “Tournament of Dolts”
CULVER CITY, CA — Producers of the popular game show Jeopardy! announced that this year they’ll air their inaugural “Tournament of Dolts.” “Our Tournament of Champions is always a ratings bonanza…