NEW YORK – A New York City grand jury on Wednesday declined to indict a police officer in the beheading of an unarmed African-American, 21 year old Shaun Peterson, concluding that the offic…
Harper: ‘We will not let terrorism stop us from taking away your rights’
OTTAWA – At a press conference today Prime Minister Stephen Harper stated that his government would not let terrorist acts intimidate him from taking away Canadians’ civil liberties. “Terro…
University freshman looking forward to seeing family, dumping Jenny for Thanksgiving
OTTAWA – First year Carleton University business student Michael Fairburn is excited to return to his hometown of Barrie to see his family for Thanksgiving and to break the heart of his hig…
NSA on leaked celebrity nudes: ‘What’s the big deal? We’ve had these for months’
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Responding to security concerns after the intimate photos and videos of over 100 celebrities were hacked and leaked online, NSA Director Admiral Michael S. Rogers said th…
Screw it, we’re all going to die anyway
By Rona Ambrose, Minister of Health I was sitting on a panel discussing assisted suicide the other day when I came to a startling realization. I’ve been totally gypped. At first I thought, wow, m…
Sun Media unable to get Facebook satire tag removed from articles
TORONTO – Sun Media has reported difficulty in getting Facebook’s new ‘satire’ tag removed from their articles. “I just don’t understand what we’re doing wrong,” said columnist Joe Warmingt…
Local abyss tired of getting stared at by creepy philosophers
BURLINGTON, ON – An infinitely dark and enigmatic vortex of existential dread has had enough of being watched and accosted by prominent sages and thinkers. “They all give me this deer-in-th…
Rick Mercer quits travel show to pursue comedy
TORONTO – CBC television personality Rick Mercer has announced that this season will be the last of his popular travel show The Rick Mercer Report. “People always tell me I’m funny. I figur…
Target hopes to reverse fortunes in Canada by operating under new ‘Zellers’ brand
TORONTO – With its business taking a beating after only one year operating in Canada, Target is hoping to draw customers back in by renaming its Canadian operation ‘Zellers.’ “We know this …