…
MEC reassures customers they’ll still charge $800 per sleeping bag
VANCOUVER – Leadership at the Mountain Equipment Co-op have reassured members that, despite being sold to a US investment firm, they will still charge $800 for a sleeping bag you’ll never u…
Tories counter basic income with basic billions for CEOs
OTTAWA – Responding to speculation that the Liberal government will propose universal basic income in the upcoming Speech from the Throne, the Conservative Party is countering with its curr…
Local Becky levels-up, achieves final Karen form
THORNHILL, ON – After years of training and countless displays of wrath, a local woman levelled up from her previous iteration as a common Becky and finally achieved her true form: that of …
Person you would never trust with a gun also a pro-gun advocate
OTTAWA – The person you would never trust owning and operating a gun is now calling for a complete end to restrictions on assault weapons. Using social media, the guy you knew from high sch…
Epidemiologists expect second wave of fuckwittery to be worse than the first
VANCOUVER – Epidemiologists at BCCDC are warning the public that the second wave of fuckwittery will be worse than the first. “We’re expecting many more cases of reckless dumbassery through…
Premier Ford outraged federal government not doing his job
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford expressed his frustration and outrage that the federal government is not doing his job. “622 people were caught by provincial and municipal police forces breakin…
Face masks replaces Tim Hortons cups as Canada’s preferred public litter
Move over discarded double-double! The face mask is now Canada’s favourite source of roadside trash. The rubbish race is on as the once beloved plastic-lined cup is being replaced with millions o…
BC’s top doc: “This is why we can’t have nice things”
VICTORIA – An exhausted Dr. Bonnie Henry has reminded 5 million residents of British Columbia that this is why they can’t have nice things. “I’d expect this kind of behaviour from Alberta o…
Cocksure pigeon really struttin’ about town
TORONTO – Sources on the ground are reporting that one surprisingly cocksure pigeon was struttin’ down Bloor Street this past Monday as though he owned the whole town. “Usually I don’t even…
