TORONTO – Toronto Police Services are issuing a warning to those violating mandatory quarantine rules or breaking other public health laws to combat the spread of COVID-19: you will get a s…
Ontario, Quebec temporarily granted US statehood so Canadians don’t look bad due to COVID-19 cases
TORONTO, USA – The provinces of Ontario and Quebec are now temporarily part of the United States to save Canada’s moral superiority on its response to the coronavirus. The quick save face w…
Torontonians hope cold weather flattens curve of shitty outdoor stand-up comedians
TORONTO – The closure of comedy venues across the city this summer due to the coronavirus has caused an outbreak of Toronto’s shittiest and most offensive comedians to spread outside into public …
Man with 200% household debt could run Canada a lot better
AJAX, ON – Local homeowner and heavily indebted man Toby Kowalski is confident he could easily balance the national budget, lower taxes, and cut government waste. Kowalski provided his anal…
Egregious: Health Canada refuses to approve Dr. Cornelius Phineus Jedidiah’s Magic COVID Elixir
OTTAWA – Despite the continued threat of a pandemic, Health Canada continues to refuse Dr. Cornelius Phineas Jedidah’s Magic COVID Elixir as an approved drug. “Those bureaucrats don’t want …
Premier Ford injures hands from repetitive finger-wagging
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford was sent to the emergency room after injuring both hands from repetitive finger-wagging during a recent COVID-19 press conference. Ford’s two index finge…
Governor General grants Royal Assent using tears of her staffers
OTTAWA – Acting on behalf of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, Governor General Julie Payette has granted several pieces of legislation Royal Assent by inscribing her signature with the tear…
Breaking: National Post pretends to care about environment
TORONTO – Postmedia’s flagship publication is making a stalwart effort at pretending to care about environmental issues such as scrutinizing Justin Trudeau’s promise to plant 2 billion tree…
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
KINGSTON – A group of Queen’s University students are setting the record straight declaring that their campus-wide outbreak of COVID-19 will be way better than the University of Western Ont…
