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ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$. Just kidding. Call Pete, 416-555-8312…
Miller announces last minute, drastically scaled-back transit upgrade
TORONTO – Amid growing uncertainties regarding the future of transit expansion in the GTA, Toronto Mayor David Miller held an impromptu press conference this morning to discuss a drastically scal…
Finance Minister auditing undergrad economics lectures
OTTAWA – Canada’s Minister of Finance Jim Flaherty has returned to university to audit undergraduate economics lectures and “expand his mind” on matters of fiscal policy, …
Pedestrian not sure if defecated on by bird
TORONTO – A man walking west on Bloor Street near Spadina Ave. believes a pigeon may have defecated on his cheek and right shoulder earlier this morning, but he is unsure. “Could have been …
Area man finally builds up nerve to buy rope from sex shop
TORONTO – A student at Ryerson University spent nearly one hour at a sex shop on Queen St. West building up the nerve to add a bundle of rope to his shopping cart. Mitch Gagnon, 21, spent m…
I am a Frosh Party Animal
By Martin ‘Figs’ Figlinsky My friends, I have to tell you, this year’s frosh celebration was really awesome! The University of Toronto has really topped itself. This was by far one of…
Computer error preempted by smashing keyboard into monitor
WATERLOO, ON – A frustrating computer problem was avoided yesterday when Radioshack employee Mike Pasut, 27—in anticipation of a computer crash—quickly grabbed the keyboard off his desk and smash…
