MISSISSAUGA – Long time Mayor of Mississauga Hazel McCallion has recently announced that, after 30 years of sitting the mayoral seat, she’s ready to hang up her sash. According to Mccallion…
Local ant farm bought out by agribusiness
CAPE BRETON, NS – Tragedy struck Nova Scotia today, as one of the last locally owned agricultural sites in the province, an ant farm owned by 11-year-old Billy Lawson, was bought out by agr…
Lucky fan catches Edwin Encarnacion’s bat with face
TORONTO – Rewarded at last for a lifetime of support, local Jays fan Steven Quinn has been lucky enough to catch one of the many bats thrown by Edwin Encarnacion, using only his nose and te…
Serial buzzkiller continues to elude capture
HAMILTON, ON – The Ontario Provincial Police are still searching for a man wanted in connection with several gruesome buzzkillings in the Hamilton area. Recently identified as Burlington re…
G8 meetings a ‘lot less fun’ without Putin
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM – Following the suspension of Russian President Vladimir Putin from the Group of Eight, meetings between the world leaders have become “stiff”, “overly business-like”, and…
First robin of Spring almost completely unfrozen
SUDBURY, ON – A robin has been sighted in Chelmsford park, almost entirely free of ice. As any Canadian knows, the emergence of the robin from its annual cryogenic cycle is a sure sign that…
Olivia Chow announces she is almost ready to consider announcing her candidacy for mayor of Toronto
TORONTO, ON- A recent report from the office of Olivia Chow suggests that the final preparations for her official announcement of her mayoral candidacy are possibly underway. “I have recently giv…
European handball officially named world’s dirtiest sounding sport
OTTAWA – The Potential Euphemism and Non-intentional Innuendo Survey released a statement on Sunday, officially naming European handball as the world’s most suggestively named sport. “After…
Police dog suspended after profiling several cats
TORONTO – A member of Toronto’s Police Dog services unit has been given a two week suspension with kibbles after being accused of species-profiling several neighbourhood cats. When Internal…
NSA XBox Live surveillance reveals Jihad97 as a noob
FORT MEADE, MD – Leaked documents from the National Security Agency have exposed 11 year old Daniel Parklin, better known by the username Jihad97, as an absolute noob. Jihad97’s lack of bas…
