HALIBURTON, ON – With the body count of attractive teenage victims rising, local summer camp proprietor, Mel Heinman, 57, told reporters yesterday he really hopes all these unexplained axe-…
My mom is the strongest woman I know besides Gargantua The Mighty
It wasn’t until I became an adult that I appreciated my mother. Growing up, there were many times I wished she would lighten up and not be so strict with me and my siblings. But that was before I…
White House doctor declares Trump fit to stand trial
WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump is in good physical and cognitive health and otherwise “mentally fit to stand trial and aid in his own defense”, according to the President’s physicia…
“I didn’t touch the brownies you left on the counter, Mommy,” claims chocolate-covered Andrew Scheer
REGINA, SK – Despite chocolate smeared all over his face and hands, federal Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer insists he has no idea what happened to the freshly baked brownies his mo…
Tim Hortons celebrates Canada 150 by replacing Double-Double with Sesquicentuple-Sesquicentuple
OAKVILLE, ON – In celebration of Canada’s 150th birthday, Canada’s favourite coffee chain will replace their world famous Double-Doubles with Sesquicentuple-Sesquicentuples for a limited ti…
2016’s dead music icons form unlistenable supergroup in Heaven
HEAVEN – Boasting a lineup that includes some of the greatest talent of the 20th and 21st centuries, the deceased music icons of 2016 debuted a new supergroup in the afterlife this week wit…
Covert CIA plot to wait until Fidel Castro dies of old age successful
Langley, VA – A decades-long plot to get Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to pass away peacefully in his sleep has come to fruition, according to a statement from the CIA. “We are proud to annou…
Masturbators brace for the worst as DDoS attacks continue
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following massive cyber-attacks which disrupted web traffic across the United States Friday, the masturbators across the world are bracing for the worst. US President Bar…
Dozens injured as Nobel laureates brawl with MacArthur Fellows in Stockholm back alley
STOCKHOLM, Sweden – Just hours after being recognized for their academic and scientific achievements, the 2016 Nobel Prize Laureates engaged in a violent brawl with the 2016 MacArthur Fello…
Trudeau approves Pacific NorthWest LNG Pipeline, citing future job growth in disaster relief sector
Richmond, BC – The federal government has approved the $36 Billion Pacific NorthWest Liquefied Natural Gas project; an investment which is expected to eventually produce thousands of disast…