NEW YORK – In a league-organized press conference, NFL players read statements issued by commissioner Roger Goodell, indicating they felt concussions were “not a serious waffles in today’s …
Assault rifles to give Toronto police confidence to handle scared teens with knives
TORONTO – Dozens of Toronto police officers will soon be equipped with semi-automatic assault rifles, which the force hopes will help allay some issues officers have had in dealing with fri…
TTC uses fare hike to fund new service outage announcement system
TORONTO – In a press conference yesterday, the Toronto Transit Commission announced that thanks to funds raised by recently announced fare hikes, the transit system would be launching a bra…
Local dogs excited
TORONTO – A group of happy little buddies’ ears perked up earlier this week, as efforts were made to determine who among them was a good boy or girl. Upon discovery that they were in fact a…
Local jerk incorrectly assumes he has social anxiety
TORONTO – Local mean man Richard Busby has for years mistaken the genuine reactions to his cruel behaviour as negative thoughts triggered by social anxiety. “It’s tough,” Busby lamented as he che…
ISIS sends “thank you” fruit basket to people who set fire to Peterborough mosque
PETERBOROUGH – ISIS has sent a fruit basket in gratitude to the people responsible for deliberately setting Peterborough’s Masjid Al-Salaam mosque on fire this weekend. “Honestly, we could not ha…
Hipster alien only does artisanal crop ovals
NEW MEXICO – Resident alien Credacorh Zaph has become disaffected by the mass production of crop circles over the last few decades and has turned his back on them in favour of roughly hewn but lo…
KFC introduces bucket of chicken skins
LOUISVILLE – With a bold ad campaign featuring the slogan “Who are we even kidding anymore?” KFC introduced its new “Bucket of Skins” earlier this month, and it has instantly become an all-…
Conservative party concerned they’re being too subtle
OTTAWA – There is disquiet among Conservative Party members, as many within the party are worried that Canadians may not be receiving clear messages about the Conservatives’ stance on race and mu…
Facebook to add ‘talk about this in person’ button
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – On the heels of its long awaited “dislike” button, Facebook has announced plans to launch a “talk about this in person” button that will allow users to take their online …