OTTAWA – In an effort to reduce petroleum waste, A&W Canada will phase out plastic straws by 2019, replacing them with grain-fed beef tubes. “A&W has long been an innovator in dri…
U2 releases new album on Google Home entitled “Hey Google, turn on all the lights”
DUBLIN – Notable Irish band U2 announced this week that their upcoming album will be released exclusively to Google Home users as a compulsory free download titled “Hey Google, Turn On All …
Canadian Mint running dangerously low on shit to print on quarters
OTTAWA – The Royal Canadian Mint declared a state of crisis this week, announcing that they have nearly run out of ideas for pictures to print on the quarter. “The mint has a proud history …
QUIZ: Which member of Smash Mouth should you euthanize
Summmm BODY once told me that euthanasia is a compassionate response to unbearable physical pain. But the meteor men beg to differ! Pain can be mental, especially if you’re Smash Mouth. Look, all…
Quiz for new University graduates: which entry-level retail job is right for you?
Attention recent University grads! Now that you’ve studied for years and gone into thousands of dollars of debt it’s time to find a low-paying job for the next ten years until enough Boomer…
Tim Hortons drops even further in consumer trust rankings after introducing bitcoin donut
HAMILTON – After falling in Canadian consumer trust due to their response to the minimum wage hike, Tim Horton’s dropped another 46 places this week thanks to their latest specialty item, t…
I’m pretty sure that crossing guard thinks I’m a kid
By: David Hester, 33. Does that crossing guard think I’m a kid? We definitely made eye contact when I was waiting for the walk signal at an intersection I would describe as “not worthy of concern…
Kathleen Wynne counters Doug Ford’s ‘Buck a Beer’ initiative with Toonie Negronis
TORONTO – In response to Doug Ford’s latest promise that he will bring back buck-a-beer pricing in Ontario, Liberal leader Kathleen Wynne has announced her own initiative to win over the he…
Local man knows exactly how he would get down from that roof if he needed to
Milton, ON – Earlier this week, local software engineer Dave Winchester triumphantly confirmed in his own mind how he would safely get down from a three story building. While attending a Die Hard…
Facebook dating algorithm to find the perfect match for your carefully curated online persona
SILICON VALLEY – Taking a break from helping the Russian government tamper with American elections, Facebook has pivoted into the dating sphere, utilizing their infamous data collection to …