LOS ANGELES – Following successful, gritty re-imaginings of childhood staples such Riverdale and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, streaming giant Netflix has announced a reboot of the fireplace channel…
As winter arrives, nation prepares to get so fucking cozy
OTTAWA – With the winter months here, Canadians across the country are making preparations to get so cozy, you don’t even know. “Oh man, I’m going to make winter my bitch this year,” said Calgary…
Cannabis tourist expected Toronto to be cooler
TORONTO – Visitors from the U.S. were dismayed this week to learn that despite Canada’s recent marijuana legalization, the city of Toronto is still extremely boring. Ohio native Jenna Blake…
Trump clarifies that massive Chinese tariffs will not include racist T-shirts
WASHINGTON, DC – Following his controversial $200 billion tariffs on Chinese imports, President Trump clarified this week that the tariffs would not apply to racially insensitive clothing. “Many …
Ontario’s new “open for business” signs criticized for failing to indicate operating hours
QUEEN’S PARK — Doug Ford’s new Welcome to Ontario signs featuring the slogan “Open for Business” have generated controversy amongst taxpayers for leaving out Ontario’s business hours.…
Workplace first aid kit has every medical tool except fucking band aids
MISSISSAUGA, ON – This week at the law firm of Wessleman and Wessleman, a suitcase-sized first aid kit was discovered to contain every medical supply imaginable except for the common band-a…
This Legend of Zelda sword will surely prove a sound investment
I was at Fan Expo when I saw it – A Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time replica sword. I would have walked right by if a teenage boy dressed as Deadpool didn’t bump me while sexually harassing…
Prince’s estate sues Trump for using his music at criminally unsexy political rallies
WASHINGTON, DC – This week, representatives of Prince ordered Donald Trump to immediately cease use of the deceased pop star’s funky, stimulating grooves at rallies that were described as “patent…
Toronto Maple Leafs promise strong start to hockey season will not affect ability to lose playoffs
TORONTO, ON – Despite winning 7 out of 10 games so far this hockey season, Toronto Maple Leafs Head Coach Sheldon Keefe reassured fans that the team’s impressive performance will not impact their…
Doug Ford invokes War Measures Act to remove Toronto bike lanes
TORONTO – Following his controversial use of the Notwithstanding Clause to interfere with Toronto City Council, Doug Ford has enacted the War Measures Act to dismantle the Bloor bike lane in Toro…