MONTREAL—City officials have announced that twelve historic Montreal sinkholes have been declared heritage sites to protect them from redevelopment. “We have an obligation to preserve and celebra…
Doug Ford’s approval rating surges among hacked BMO and Simplii Financial customers
TORONTO — A new poll reveals unanimous support for Doug Ford and the Ontario Progressive Conservative Party from BMO and Simplii Financial customers affected by the recent data breach. “I’ve neve…
Haunted Crater music festival announces 2018 lineup and investigation into fate of 2017 lineup
Peterborough, ON — Organizers for the Haunted Crater music festival have announced their headline acts for 2018, and a crack team of paranormal investigators to uncover what happened to last year…
Embarrassed scientists reveal alien radio signal was actually meant for a planet behind us
Mountain View, CA—Astronomers at the SETI Institute have confirmed that a radio signal originated from an advanced alien civilization, but was intended for a different planet behind Earth. “This …
Vancouver Aquarium and whales agree to hostage exchange
VANCOUVER—The Vancouver Aquarium and a pod of orca whales have agreed to trade prisoners in a move observers hope will reduce regional tensions. “We have spoken with our people, and we are confid…
Local mom summons Pinhead after completing Candy Crush Saga
LONDON, ON—The van der Kleij family is distraught after Linda, a stay-at-home mom of four, was forcibly removed to the Cenobite dimension after completing Candy Crush Saga. “She played that game …
Grinch acquitted despite bodycam video showing him stealing Christmas
WHOVILLE—A federal court has found the Grinch not guilty of grand larceny and impersonating Santa Claus, after a controversial trial that featured bodycam evidence of the green monster stealing C…
Inspiring! This rat king slogged through 500 meters of plumbing to crawl out of your toilet and eat your decorative soaps
We’ve all had days when everything seems to go against you: traffic, bills, your crazy coworkers. And the screeching knot of conjoined rats scrabbling around your bathtub sure knows that feel. Bu…
Wifi-enabled coffee maker ruins breakfast after spending another late night online
MARKHAM, ON—Winston and Claudette Reid say their wifi-enabled coffee maker has become dysfunctional, withdrawn, and that it spends an excessive amount of time surfing the internet. “It’s programm…
Astronomers say moon will look ‘kinda fucked up’ tonight
OTTAWA—Professional and amateur astronomers will be watching the skies tonight, eager for a glimpse of a rare, sort of fucked up moon. “Tonight’s lunar event is caused by multiple converging fact…