MISSISSAUGA, ON – After dreaming he was experiencing the perfect freedom of untethered flight last night, reports have confirmed that customer service representative Jeffrey Kwan is being y…
Monte Carlo collects $400,000 in fines from Formula One speed trap
MONACO – Calling it their most successful day yet, the Monte Carlo police force handed out $433,000 worth of speeding tickets in just 3 hours of traffic stops at yesterday’s Formula One rac…
Harper delivers heartfelt, heavily redacted resignation speech
OTTAWA – Former Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced he was bowing out of politics today in a sincere, and vigorously redacted, speech to the House of Commons. “I hope that my tenure as …
Rona Ambrose slowly lowers live goat into pit full of Tory backbenchers
OTTAWA – During question period today, interim leader of the Conservative Party Rona Ambrose used her time to feed a live goat to several dozen ravenous Tory backbenchers. “We are not to be…
Tories: ‘Reinstated mandatory census is unfair to however many Canadians there are’
OTTAWA – The Conservative party came out against the mandatory census again this week, saying that it creates undue stress and is totally irrelevant to all of the several million people cur…
Local mom already teary-eyed full week before Mother’s Day
SASKATOON – Debra McIntosh, a local mother, is barely holding back tears of happiness after she remembered that her husband and children will be celebrating Mother’s Day in a week. “Just th…
Canadian Revenue Agency unable to figure out where mattress company hiding its profits
OSHAWA, ON – Despite searching through the recently leaked Panama Papers for shell companies, looking into offshore banks, and checking for any potential money laundering operations, the CR…
Local dad starts work on emergency backup porch
KINGSTON – Local dad Henry Spurlock has begun construction on an auxiliary porch to be deployed in case of a major failure in the current primary porch. “So far the primary porch has operat…
Local man wears new $500 suit to interview for unpaid internship
MONTREAL – After spending most of his savings on a new blue pinstripe suit and pressed white-collared shirt, recent graduate Lewis Carlson feels he has a shot at getting an unpaid internshi…
Heroic man saves woman from having to read book on subway
TORONTO – Local man Chris Reuben is a hero today after his quick thinking and intervention saved Louisa Valdez from reading her book on the subway. “When I saw the book I knew I only had se…
