ONTARIO – In an attempt to ensure a new cash flow for the provincial government, Premier Kathleen Wynne has implemented a new policy forcing Ontarians to have two alcoholic beverages at all…
Vancouver dollhouse sells for $200,000 above asking
VANCOUVER – The Walkers, a young family of 4, have finally found their perfect starter home after bidding $200,000 over asking on a dollhouse. “Sure, it’s a bit smaller than we were hoping,…
Justin Trudeau waits in dark cave for attractive enough family to walk past
GATINEAU, QC – In an attempt to further endear himself to the nation, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is waiting in a dark cave for a family he deems beautiful enough to deserve to take a pho…
Marooned Minister of Fisheries hurls bottle stuffed with legislation into the Atlantic
DESERTED ISLAND – After rolling up the pages and saying a short prayer, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has thrown what may be his final bill into the ocean in hopes that…
After report shows flossing to be useless, millions immediately continue to not floss
NATIONWIDE – A recent report from the Associated Press has found that there is very little evidence that flossing works, leading millions of people to continue not doing it. “As soon as I h…
Canadian media pulls coverage of man killed by police after realizing he wasn’t American
OTTAWA – A day after the death of Abdirahman Abdi at the hands of police officers, Canadian media have pulled their coverage, realizing the incident did not take place in America. “Oh wait,…
Minister of Fisheries says ‘it’s done,’ drops bloody Kraken beak on Trudeau’s desk
OTTAWA – After being absent from Parliament for three straight months, federal sources report that the Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has finally arrived back in Ottawa …
Local man asks rest of dog-fighting ring to quiet down so he can call in sick to work
OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN, ON – Local man Peter Franklin just needs everyone at this dog-fighting ring to quiet down so he can get out of work for the day. “Guys. Guys! C’mon, I just need a few min…
Obama, Nieto to increase tariffs by 12% unless Trudeau eats scorpion in tequila bottle
OTTAWA – Reports from the Three Amigos Summit yesterday indicated that the leaders of Mexico and the USA had threatened to increase tariffs 12% unless Prime Minister Trudeau quit being a bi…
Vegas NHL team excited to open for Jeff Dunham 5 nights a week
LAS VEGAS – The NHL has announced their Las Vegas expansion for the 2017-2018 season will provide an opening act for famed ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. “Yes, this team will be exclusively war…
