MENLO PARK, CA – In response to twin antitrust lawsuits launched by dozens of states and the federal government, social media giant Facebook has purchased the United States Justice Departme…
Ford assures Ontarians $12 bil in unused COVID funds will be disbursed to real estate developers as soon as possible
QUEEN’S PARK – Following a report from the province’s financial watchdog stating $12 billion in COVID-19 contingency funding is being hoarded, Premier Ford assured Ontarians those funds wil…
Wall Street to trade water, also mentions human body 60% water for no particular reason
NEW YORK – Representatives for the NYSE have announced that water futures will enter commodities trading on the stock market, before cryptically adding that human bodies are composed of mor…
Canadians warned to shelter at home unless your job makes money for someone richer
OTTAWA – Health Canada is warning all Canadians to avoid COVID by staying at home, with the exception of those whose jobs create wealth for those with exponentially more money than them, in…
Health Canada warns of inevitable “spring wave” of terrible COVID-inspired Fringe plays
OTTAWA – As COVID case numbers across the country rise due to the winter weather, Health Canada is warning about the unavoidable “spring wave” of hazardously ill-conceived pandemic inspired…
REPORT: Couples most successful at quarantining when one a master of disguise
CALGARY – According to a new study from the University of Calgary’s Sociology Department, during the 2020 global pandemic the couples having the most success cohabitating are those where on…
Trump pivots to claiming he actually won 2008 election
WASHINGTON D.C. – After a frantic series of overnight tweets in which he baselessly claimed to have actually won the recent election, outgoing President Donald Trump changed tactics by clai…
Trump announces rallies, lawsuits in bid to make self too pitiful to arrest
WASHINGTON D.C. – As news outlets confirm their earlier projections of a Biden electoral college win, President Donald Trump has announced further intentions to contest the results in a bid…
Giuliani clarifies he didn’t mean to hold press conference at Landscaping company, definitely meant to hold it at dildo shop next door
PHILADELPHIA, PA – Following his widely-mocked Saturday morning press conference in front of Four Seasons Total Landscaping, Trump personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani clarified that he obviously …
Fans across globe salute Sean Connery’s passing with terrible, terrible impressions
WORLDWIDE — All around the world, fans of Sean Connery are observing his passing with just the absolute worst impressions of the revered film icon. “Thish ish indeed a shad day for oll ush …
