LONDON, ON – In a Dickensian turn of events, local miser Scrooge McFuck has refused to reveal the various characters that comprise his wireless network password to his “friend” that he hims…
National Energy Board insists texting ‘we cool?’ counts as consulting First Nations
CALGARY – On Thursday, the Federal Court of Appeals quashed the proposed Trans Mountain pipeline expansion project, citing as part of their supporting evidence a mass text sent from the Nat…
Which cult do I need to join to get a fashionable linen matching set?
By Janine Suarez Listen, I feel like I need to say this right off the top, I do NOT condone the mass suicides that most prominent cults are known for, however I do admire how dedicated they were …
3D-printed guns single-handedly saving crafting industry
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise move to many, the arts and crafts retail chain Michaels announced plans to join forces with the organization Defense Distributed in support of the US Justic…
History buff not old enough to have lived through any meaningful history
OTTAWA – Young history fanatic Eric Guzan spent yet another day bemoaning the fact that he was not conceived at a more exciting and meaningful point in history. “Everyone knows that the pre…
How to shed your sunburnt skin like a sexy little snake
Summer is s-s-sizzlin’ this year with many a heatwave warning! If you spent some time soaking up the sun this past weekend or if you have plans to crisp up that epidermis next weekend, here’s how…
Local trivia team in bar warned to take it down a notch
KINGSTON, ON – After repeated warnings from bar owner Glen Hobschmeer to tone it down, a rowdy trivia team has been issued a life ban from bars citywide that host game nights centering on i…
Openly sobbing in public entirety of woman’s self-care ritual
ST. JOHN’S, NL – When taking her lunch hour outside on a bench yesterday, Samira Kader devoted the majority of her break to sobbing uncontrollably. Kader asserted that crying in public was …
Toronto’s hottest rooftop patio is already at capacity, sorry
Toronto’s newest, hottest, and most exclusive rooftop patio is Queue. Located on the rooftop of a now defunct travel agency, Queue offers a post-industrial boho chic vibe with the standard 80 ite…
Hungry bachelor determined to select least sad rotisserie chicken
OTTAWA – As Tyler Sandford observed a wall of slowly rotating chicken carcasses, he mentally prepared himself to make the most important decision of his life. “I will no longer be a stereot…
