BRAMPTON, ON – In their ever-increasing efforts to prevent customers from leaving the store without paying for their goods, grocery monolith Loblaws will now force all patrons to consume everythi…
Just for Laughs Festival files for bankruptcy protection just before jumping out of box wearing gorilla mask
MONTREAL – The world-renowned Montreal Just for Laughs comedy festival sadly announced this week that they would be seeking creditor protection before bursting out of a nearby cardboard box weari…
Seven Iconic Canadian Songs we may have just made up now that we think about it
We Canadians pride ourselves on the contributions our country has made to popular music in North America and across the world. Songs by some of our most famous musicians are counted among the big…
Our rankings of this year’s Best and Worst Grandmas
With the year almost at an end, join as we rate the best and worst grams, grammys, gam-gams, and gamilgans on display over the past 12 months: 1) BEST – Gramma Bess What an absolute ch…
Study shows humans swallow average of 47,980 spiders a year each due to sample’s inclusion of Stanley, the Amazing Spider-Eating Maniac
CALGARY – The unprecedented finding in a recent scientific publication about the ingestion of arachnids by humans was discovered to be fundamentally flawed due to the inclusion of a well-known lu…
Toddler guzzling bathwater like Nero at Bacchanal in waning days of Roman Empire
EDMONTON – Sources from deep within the Robertson household on bath night have confirmed that two year old toddler Sophie has been spotted insatiably devouring cup after cup of bathwater in a hed…
Just to be cautious, Ontario announces Eglinton LRT will be open by the year 2236
TORONTO – In an effort to assuage concerns regarding the long overdue Eglinton Crosstown LRT, Premier Doug Ford has announced a cautiously optimistic opening date of 2236. “I’m very pleased to fi…
Greg Fergus immediately cancels all upcoming events honouring former Nazis
OTTAWA – Newly-elected Speaker of the House Greg Fergus has moved quickly to correct the errors made by his predecessor by taking the brave step of immediately canceling all planned events in whi…
Trudeau announces that David Johnston to be replaced by Xi Jinping
OTTAWA – Amid backlash against the appointment of former Governor General David Johnston as special rapporteur on foreign election interference which resulted in his resignation, Prime Minister T…
Leafs really excited to fuck this all up spectacularly
TORONTO – Still reeling off their astonishing come-from-behind win in Game Four against Tampa Bay, the Toronto Maple Leafs are showing renewed enthusiasm for the inevitable and complete collapse …