TORONTO – Monica Gonzales and Tom Meyer, a couple living in downtown Toronto, had been self-isolating together for over a month when they felt their relationship growing stale. The couple, …
Nation’s hamsters shockingly indifferent to global pandemic
OTTAWA – In a surprising display that no one could have predicted, pet hamsters across Canada have shown an incredible lack of interest in the COVID-19 pandemic. Despite Prime Minister Just…
Nation’s parents lured back inside houses with promise of Jeopardy re-runs
OTTAWA – Reports indicate that many among the older generation have not been adhering to warnings from health officials to self-isolate. As a result, most have resorted to luring their parents ba…
Shower wondering if it’s ever going to see you again
YOUR BATHROOM – In the midst of a nationwide quarantine prompting citizens all over Canada to self-isolate, your shower just wanted to let you know that it was curious if it was ever going to see…
Weinstein threatens to sexually assault courthouse unless ending scene of his trial is re-written
NEW YORK – After being found guilty of rape and sexual assault in a landmark verdict today, disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein immediately begin attempting to sexually coerce the courthouse…
Brand new TTC vehicle pre-emptively self-combusts to save everyone some time
TORONTO – After hearing stories about the chaos caused by Toronto Transit vehicles meeting their ends in fires, crashes, and nonstop signal problems, a new bus scheduled to begin service in Toron…
“There’s no money in the arts,” scoffs man who just paid $1,000 for Hamilton tickets
TORONTO – Jon Hudson, a financial district lawyer, was overheard yesterday at a restaurant commenting on how the arts weren’t a worthwhile pursuit because they weren’t profitable. He quickly foll…
Terry Jones goes to that great giant foot in the sky
LONDON – The world is in mourning today after it was announced that Terry Jones, distinguished actor, director, writer, and member of the beloved comedy team Monty Python, has finally made the fi…
“I’d love to be catcalled,” says man who has never feared for his life
OTTAWA – After an intense discussion with female friends about the constant barrage of unwanted sexual attention women experience on the street, Jim Marsden announced that he would love to be cat…
