CELESTIAL KINGDOM – In a move that had other omnipotent deities rolling their eyes, Atellia Goddess of Light has written herself into a fan fiction about a mid-sized suburban high school. I…
Report: Valentine’s Day doesn’t buy into you either, Craig
BRAMPTON, ON – According to a recent report, Valentine’s Day has ceased to believe in Brampton resident Craig Moore. “We’re not going taking part in Craig this year,” read a statement from …
“Protest doesn’t solve anything,” says man who has never solved anything
LONDON, ON – In a revolutionary move, local man George Hunter has posted online about his disdain for civil action as a solution despite the fact that he has never even changed a lightbulb withou…
Russian influence called into question after entire White House staff found wearing tracksuits
WASHINGTON – Russian influence over the White House is once again being called into question, after high-ranking members of staff were seen sporting new tracksuits. In response to the accusations…
Hollywood Producers Association study proves Asians actually just an urban legend
CALIFORNIA – A recent study sponsored by the Hollywood Producers Association has confirmed the industry’s long suspected belief that so-called “Asian” human beings are nothing but an old w…
UPDATE: Squirrel still deciding if it should finish crossing road
WILLOWDALE, ON – Traffic on a Willowdale street is still at a standstill, as a local squirrel decides if it should finish crossing the road or go back the way it came. According to reports,…
Mediocre man seeks perfect woman
TIMMINS, ON – A local man seeks a muse worthy of epic poetry, despite his average face and mildly boring disposition. Jordan Ronson, an insurance adjuster in his 30s, posted a profile on Ok…
Media enters 7th day of in-depth Marie Henein wardrobe coverage
TORONTO – Canadian media outlets have entered day 7 of their expert trial reporting that gets the facts on exactly what Marie Henein is wearing and how good she looks while wearing it. “She…