BRASILIA – With the World Cup finals only hours away, the planet is slowly coming to the realization that the return to the blend of despair and panic that characterizes their ordinary, hol…
NSA using stored data to write coming-of-age novels
WASHINGTON – The latest shocking release from the Snowden leaks has revealed that the National Security Agency has been stealing the biographical details of American citizens for use in the…
Ronaldo gets to see photo of family after 50th goal for Portugal
BRAZIL – After scoring his 50th goal for Portugal’s national football team in last Thursday’s game against Ghana, officials from the Portuguese government have allowed captain C…
Giorgio Chiellini cursed to transform into Luis Suarez every full moon
BRAZIL – Following an illegal bite during the Italy-Uruguay match, Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini is now fated to become Luis Suarez at every full moon, forever. “Our hearts go out to G…
Changeling baby much better behaved
DEER CREVICE, ON – A week after their human baby was replaced during the night by an unsettling near-replica, local parents Dave and Samantha Grumner say that their lives are much more peac…
Alarming report suggests catastrophic climate change could alter purchasing habits
YOKOHAMA, JAPAN – An alarming new report suggests that the effects of catastrophic climate change could ultimately impact the way humans consume products and respond to advertising. “For ye…
Slightly too many chicken wings consumed
TORONTO- Disaster struck a local half-price wing night when local “wingthusiast” Lindsey Sarpedelli ordered a second pound of chicken wings and wound up feeling “a little bit bloated and a lot be…
Staunch New Democrat to vote Liberal again
TORONTO – Despite considering himself a strong supporter of the New Democratic Party, local voter Jason Poulos plans to cast his ballot for the Liberals in the upcoming election, as he has …
Feds wish someone, anyone would do something about missing aboriginal women
OTTAWA – A statement released today by the department of Aboriginal Affairs and Northern Development has called on “somebody, please” to do something about the fact that hundreds of aborigi…
Winking Tim Hudak says he won’t cut health care
ONTARIO – At a press conference earlier today, Tim Hudak once again told reporters that he wouldn’t consider cutting Ontario’s health care budget, while winking repeatedly and shaking his h…
