OTTAWA – After fruitlessly trying to get MPs to vote in favour of tighter conflict of interest rules, Ethics Commissioner Mary Dawson has decided to ‘grease the wheels a little bit’. “I did…
Feds release balanced budget after cutting 20% of population
OTTAWA – Despite initial fears that the Conservatives would be unable to balance the 2015 budget, finance minister Joe Oliver has managed to scrape together a small surplus, after promising…
Update: Mike Duffy bills taxpayers for legal fees
OTTAWA – One week into his trial for financial misconduct, Conservative Senator Mike Duffy has attempted to bill his Senate expense account for legal fees. “I figured that this trial would …
CSIS oversight committee moves into new quarters at YMCA
OTTAWA – Responsible for overseeing the newly expanded powers of the Canadian spy agency CSIS, the Security Intelligence Review Committee has just moved into a 240 square-foot office comple…
Health Minister to allow 3-parent babies as long as she is one of the parents
OTTAWA – A medical procedure that would give children the cellular material of three parents has been legalized, as long as one of the parents is Health Minister Rona Ambrose. “This bill wi…
Healthiest option in office vending machine is Doritos
EDMONTON – A scientific survey of the available foodstuffs in your office vending machine has found that the most nutritious food item on offer is Doritos. “At first we thought, what could …
Serial killer just 200 victims away from being national hero
IRAQ – Personally and individually responsible for the painful deaths of more than a hundred human beings, Sgt. Jeff Grenner is over a third of the way to being a national hero. “I never go…
Conservatives introduce new cabinet minister, Mungo
OTTAWA – Shortly after the resignation of Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird, the Harper government has introduced his seven-foot-eight, 482-pound successor, the Honourable Mungo. “Haurrgh…
Subway tunnel workers just going to pretend they didn’t find that chamber of skulls
TORONTO – Workers on the Spadina subway extension who discovered an enormous subterranean chamber of skulls this morning say that they’re just going to seal it back up and move on with thei…
Tim Hortons layoffs coincide with launch of new DoubleMeat Breakfast Sandwich
OAKVILLE, ON – Just hours after their parent company Burger King announced layoffs at Tim Hortons HQ, the coffee chain has announced a new, even meatier breakfast sandwich. “DoubleMeat mean…
